Thinking About It Differently

Commenting Answer

2011-08-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends,
I just went over to Ronnie's blog to see if I could figure out an ID that would allow me to post comments on Blogger. I saw "anonymous" was an option and I tried it and it worked! Just like that. Of course I identified myself in the content of my comment, so she knows I was there and what I was doing.

I don't think I could bring myself to post a comment under anonymous and leave it at that. I've made contacts and friends here in blogland and it feels deceitful to comment on friends' blogs, but keep myself under a shroud. I suppose there are valid reasons for some people to comment anonymously, so I'm glad they have that option. Most of all I'm glad I have an option that allows me to comment without going through the nonsense required to use my Blogger ID.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

His girl, no matter what

2011-08-14T06:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I awoke with submission on my mind, and thought back to a letter I received from my ex when we were together. He was uncomfortable with my desire to go deeper into a sub/dom relationship with him and preferred that we keep spanking and his dominance within the realm of our sex life. I remember feeling misunderstood when I received that letter. He didn't "get it." Somehow he had the impression that I wanted him to be mean to me, to shout at me, and to "make me" do certain things.

I suppose he got that impression because I did ask him to do that stuff, but my purpose was to give him the freedom to express what he really wanted from me. I couldn't figure out how to fit into his life, so I thought if he used his military voice to boss me around I'd know what to do to please him and I'd feel safe.

Now, some two and a half years later, my husband Gus and I are approaching our first anniversary of our wedding. He has never shouted at me, has never been mean to me in his demeanor, and has never made me do anything, but I always feel safe with him. What is the difference? I fit in his life. He made room for me. In fact, he literally set aside his entire normal daily life and moved from one state to another to marry me.

His grown kids and grandson are back there, in his former town, and he travels there often to be with them. In fact, he is there now. The life he had there, with them, was very important to him, and he maintains it as well as he can from four hours away, but his home is here, with me.

At some point in my childhood I ran across the metaphor of the "black sheep of the family," and adopted that view of myself. I saw that everyone else in my family seemed to fit together, and while I was clearly a part of that family I just didn't fit. I lived there. I shared the same name. My siblings had the same father I had. But I wasn't like them and he saw me as different.

Recently Gus and I watched the movie, "Skin." It is a portrayal of the story of a girl who was born into a white family in South Africa in the days of apartheid. Her appearance was black, even though both of her parents and her two brothers looked white. She was her parents' "natural" child, but she didn't look like them. Her father went to great lengths to get her registered as "white." Her parents told her over and over that she was white, but the rest of the world still saw her as "colored," or as "black."

When she grew up she fell in love with a "black" man, and when she chose to marry him, to live with him and to have a child with him, her father disowned her. He felt betrayed because she didn't live up to his expectations of his "white" daughter.

She felt the sting of the loss of her family, but she was so happy to move into the much poorer village of people who looked like her. She felt like she finally belonged. The problem was she didn't grow up in that place and their customs were very different from the ones she grew up with in a "white" home. She didn't fully fit in that world, either. Sadly, in her case, that marriage ended. The film ends with her seeking out her mother in her old age. She never really fit in any family. It is a profoundly sad film.

My story is much less dramatic than hers, but I identified with her. I am close to my mother, but she and I don't really fit together in the same world. I never fit my father's expectations of me, no matter how hard he tried to make me into someone he could recognize as his daughter. He tried to put his brand on me, but it just didn't work. In my childhood I eagerly tried to accept his expectations, but no matter how hard I tried the world just didn't see me the way he wanted it to.

Finally, in early adulthood, I left his world for the one that seemed to recognize me, but I didn't fit there either, because I hadn't grown up there. I was always a stranger in a strange land, whether at home with my birth family or in the world with my chosen family. Like the woman in the film, my marriage also ended, and I struck out alone with my daughter and son. Like her I loved my children fiercely, and made sure they both felt like they belonged with me and with each other. But, of course, even though I think my kids have found ways to fit in the world, I still didn't.

Now I fit. I belong to Gus. A year ago I asked him all the time, "am I your girl no matter what?" No matter how often I asked him he always replied, "yes, you are my girl, no matter what." Those words made my little submissive heart soar. For the first time in my life I fit in a family where who I am is pleasing to the man of the home. I am okay just as I am. I have never been loved like this and I am profoundly grateful. I am his girl, no matter what. That is my true joy. I am loved.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

2011-08-14T06:04:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
I woke early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, because my mind was active, so I decided to get up and write. When I opened my blog I noticed the top post in my blog list, from Florida Dom, and clicked on it. Then I spent a half hour or so reading his blog. I decided to post a comment on his hands post, but when I clicked on "publish comment" I got a screen telling me "your google account does not have access to this page. Please sign out and sign back in with another account." Huh? Can somebody tell me what is going on? Obviously I have been absent from the blogging world for several months. What changed?

Also, every time I look at my blog the top right corner says "sign in" rather than displaying my google ID. As I write this post my ID is there, but when I read it on the blog page it is gone. :(
Thanks,
Maryann

2011-08-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I have a soft bottom again, so the idea of a spanking is scary. I miss having a tough bottom, but don't want to do what it takes to get it back.

Recently I applied for a new job. So far the response is a deafening silence. I feel a bit on edge wondering when/if they'll call and if not, why not? Gus wants me to call them, but I just don't know what to say. The truth is I don't know if I even want the job.

I think I could do it well, so that part is appealing. I don't feel like I do my current job very well at all. This new possibility feels like a better fit with my particular interests and skills. But, it is a responsible job with full time hours, and I just don't know if I have that in me. It seems like a lot to take on.

I know lots of submissive women are tigers in the board room, but I'm not sure I want that. I do know that my man is strong enough to stay in charge of me, so there is comfort in that.

I'm not sure if this post makes sense or is even about spanking. I'm just exploring some thoughts right now.
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

The Sugarless Trial

2011-04-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Gus agreed to do up to three spankings a day in support of my effort to stop using sugar. It worked for the several days we did it. Well, it worked in the sense that I didn't use sugar and I got spanked a lot.

It did not work for me to lose any weight. So, Sunday we talked about it and decided to stop both the multiple daily spankings and my avoidance of all sugar. Both of us want to start a real diet. He is interested in a low carb approach and I will probably fall back on my tried and true point counting. We haven't started yet. Unfortunately, that translated to my using a bit too much sugar yesterday, but now I'm ready to go with moderation.

Meanwhile, back on the spanking track... I loved being spanked that much. Yes, my bottom was bruised and very sore, but it was well worth it. I always felt closer to Gus after each spanking. I cried almost every time. Finally, after about four day of this, I got a particularly hard spanking and did not cry. Then I asked for twenty more with the bath brush, ten per cheek. He agreed and did not hold back. Wow, that hurt, but the release was fantastic. I felt euphoric. Wonderful.

I think I've only had one or two spankings since then. It is probably good to take a bit of a break now. Yes, it is true that the more spanking you get the more leathery your bottom becomes, but it was really fun to be able to take such hard spankings.

I wouldn't be surprised if we return to a two-a-day or three-a-day schedule again once in a while, for a few days at a time. It did me a world of good.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Keep Thinking About It

2011-04-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

The past two days I have managed to avoid cake, cookies, ice cream, and candy. Entirely. Not a single jelly bean. That is huge for me. But, I have continued to put sugar in my tea.

It is important that I seriously reduce my dependence on sugar, or even eliminate it from my daily life, reserving it only for occasional use. It is really important. Sugar increases my pain and can rev me up, which can feel like anxiety. When it drops me it can feel like depression. Craving it can make me feel weak and out of control. And, I have been gaining weight steadily now for almost a year. My spring and summer clothes don't fit.

The truth is I need to lose 25 pounds and it would be 35 pounds to get me to the weight I was the day I met Gus. I have gained all of that weight primarily through eating sweets and drinking sugar in sodas, in coffee, and in tea.

I've been asking myself what is really going on. Here is my tentative answer. When I first met Gus I loved to sit on his lap and snuggle. I loved feeling small, like a little girl. Actually, the guy I dated before Gus called me "Little One." I loved that. Loved it.

Gus never called me "Little One," or "young lady," or "little girl," or anything like that, but I still felt small when I was with him. I felt safe, protected. I felt like I was... his. Now I wonder if I deserve him, if I deserve to feel so safe and small, protected and loved. Maybe I sabbotaged myself by eating my way right out of his lap.

Now, Gus is a big guy. He is tall, strong, and heavy. He is heavier than he wants to be, and he is checking out various methods of losing weight that might work for him. He is a grown man and he'll figure that out for himself. I only mention it because it is a little awkward for a dominant to hold his submissive to a standard that he doesn't meet.

But, here's the thing. I don't want to change him. I don't want him to set an example for me. The last thing in the world I want is for him to feel pressure to change because I need to change.

And so I sit here writing about the dynamics of weight loss in a marriage, any marriage, and about spanking, and about how it all works in a marriage like ours.

I once listened to a motivational speaker who said that if you want to do something keep thinking about it. Write about it. Talk about it. Practice it. Keep it active in your mind. When you have resistance, don't worry about that. Just keep thinking about it.

So, here I sit wanting to eat some cookies that are sitting on the counter in the kitchen right now. I know they are there. I want them. But, instead of eating them I'm writing this. Still, the urge is pretty strong.

I really want Gus to spank me. But, as I'm sure many of you realize, I like to be spanked. So, is a spanking a deterrent? Some would say no.

One dominant man I met told me that within one week, two at the most, he would have me taking all of my medications on time every day. He said he'd spank me if I forgot. And he'd spank and spank and spank until the problem was solved. He'd spank as many times a day as I was supposed to take my meds. I think at that time I had something to take with each meal and before bed, so four times a day. Each spanking would be a little more severe. He insisted that no matter how much I liked being spanked I would not be able to withstand four times a day for more than a week.

I wonder.

For that man my spankings would be "discipline," or even "punishment." I have really mixed feelings about both of those words. But I think it would be great if Gus would spank me every single time I tell him I'm struggling with a sugar craving, not because punishment would work, but because it would keep me thinking about it. Also, spankings reinforce that need I have to be small, to be his little one, his girl.

I get great pleasure and reassurance from being spanked by Gus. I don't think I want that pleasure to become unpleasant because of punishment spankings, but I do think reinforcement spankings would be wonderful. I would feel like his girl again. My anxiety would be greatly reduced. I'd feel like I'm not alone, like he really cares.

I don't need or want him to care what my weight actually is. We enjoy each other just fine at our current weights. But, he knows sugar is really bad for me in many ways, some of them emotional. My well-being would be better if I got more spankings (feel good emotionally) and ate less sugar (feel good physically).

So, I want a crazy, intense number of reminder spankings for a week or two, or as long as it takes for me to feel secure, happy, physically better and emotionally satisfied. I want to be able to report to him any time I'm craving sugar, but I also want him to initiate spankings, just as a reminder, whether I'm craving sugar, or eating it, or not. Is it fair to ask for as many as four, five, or six spankings a day for awhile?

What do you think?
Maryann

OoooooEeeeee

2011-04-05T08:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Last night's spanking was a real bun burner. We're back! Yeehaw. It was really great.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

A Bit of Fear

2011-04-04T09:42:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,
I'm not sure why I'm trying to write a post right now. I don't have much to say. I've had so few spankings in 2011 that I actually fear them now.

My most recent spanking was several days ago and I still feel a little sore. Gus bought a cheap little package of three flyswatters. They are bright colors and look like good fun, but when he used one it felt like I was being cut by a knife. It was not at all a pleasant sensation.

I'm not sure, but maybe I was threatened last night that I might get a hairbrush spanking for eating too much sugar lately. I probably need one, but I'm really afraid.

When I started this whole spanking thing I promised myself I'd never let it become something I feared. It was fun, sexy, and made me feel deliciously submissive. Now I'm afraid and I don't know what to do except to endure. I've read enough blogs by now to know that there are seasons in spanking relationships and the most enthusiastic spankees have times when they dread even mild spankings. I have arrived at that place. It is okay.

Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Over Reacting

2011-03-06T13:45:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
All my life I have been told "you are too hard on yourself." Actually, it has been awhile since I've heard that exact phrase, but it is something I struggle with.

People talk about a "need to please" as a bad thing. It is supposedly much better to just do your best and let others respond however they choose. I think I agree with that. It is good to just make my choices and let the chips fall where they may. Good.

But, I've noticed recently that I am too hard on myself about things that don't matter. If I make a conscience choice about something important and others disagree with me, fine. I can handle that. The problem comes when I do something that doesn't matter in the least to me and then get criticized for it. I think, "I didn't know you felt that way. Why did I do that? I shouldn't have. Oh no, no I've gotten on his nerves. I didn't mean to get on his nerves. I should make sure I don't do that anymore." On and on and on it goes in my head. I think, "I didn't even care about that anyway. I could easily have done it your way." I say, "sorry," or more likely I say nothing. I just go right on beating myself up for not realizing something I didn't realize.

That doesn't seem smart. Why should I be disappointed that I didn't do something I never thought of doing, or that I did something I didn't care about and didn't know would bother someone else? If I didn't think of it or didn't know, then I just didn't think of it or didn't know. Obvious, huh? Why has it taken me so long to notice that?

That is what I have been thinking about today. Maybe I'm understanding better the idea, "don't sweat the small stuff... and it is all small stuff." If I can take criticism for things that matter to me, surely I can take it for things that don't.

Happy spanking everyone,
Maryann

A Gentle Return

2011-02-15T15:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Today I got a spanking. :)

I have been careful not to talk about spanking one way or another recently. I assumed I wouldn't be spanked yesterday and I wasn't. That worked out fine. It has become important to me that spanking be his idea, and not always just mine.

Then, today he kissed me and hugged me and asked if I needed a spanking. I said I didn't know. Was there something he needed to correct? He said he wasn't sure, and we left it at that.

After my shower Gus asked me to put on the new nightie I wore last night for V Day. I obliged, with pretty panties, of course. Then he said there was something he wanted to discuss with me. That is his way of saying I was getting a spanking.

I did my usual stall techniques. Somehow I seem to need a minute to get used to the idea, even when I know I will like it. Soon enough I was over his lap and he started off pretty gently, building slowly. He mentioned the thing he wanted to correct as he spanked. It was my favorite kind of spanking. One strong arm holding me in place, the other hand spanking. Nice.

I settled in for a good spanking and really enjoyed it. He thought I went to sleep. Nah, I wouldn't do that during a spanking, but I was very relaxed. Then he started rubbing. He took his time and rubbed all over, making me relax even more. Several minutes later he said it was time to get up. My spanking was over. He didn't want to stir up the injury again. I curled up next to him on the love seat and went to sleep.

It was a lovely morning.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T20:58:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,

Our Valentine's Day has been happy. Gus gave me a lovely card first thing this morning. Then I had to rush off to work. We kept this evening simple, with a tasty candlelight dinner at home, followed by a movie viewed from the comfort of our loveseat.

It is still a spank-free zone around here, because my bottom is still pretty sore. The good news is I don't mind anymore. Gus said exactly the right thing in the card and I am very, very happy. Hope y'all are, too.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone,
Maryann

Thinking about Pain

2011-02-12T10:42:00.001-06:00

Dear Friends,
I've been thinking about pain. I may have fractured my tailbone nearly two weeks ago when I fell on the ice. The sources I checked on the internet all say the same thing: you should see your doctor, who will probably order imaging to find out for sure. But, so what if I did? What is the treatment? Anti-inflammatories, rest, ice. I don't see any advantage in having the imaging done, and it is expensive and time consuming... and fussy.

I'm so tired of fussing with medical issues. I've done it now daily for nearly 14 years. It gets old.

Recently Gus and I talked about pain. He observed that I have a lot of pain and take a lot of pain relieving medications. True. So, he thought it was surprising that I gave birth to my two babies without any pain relief. I went with natural childbirth, no drugs, no medical intervention.

I tried to explain that childbirth is a natural pain. But, you know, all pain is natural pain, isn't it? Childbirth is this amazing, all-consuming, total body experience. It overwhelms the body's ability to differentiate one pain from another and just takes over as the intense experience of giving birth.

Maybe spanking is a little like that. Gus doesn't want to spank me because of my tailbone pain. That is reasonable enough, and in some ways I'm grateful, but I'm getting sadder and sadder by the day. I feel trapped in a body full of pain. I feel limited and somewhat weak. I find myself just wanting to lie down, because sitting, standing, and walking irritate the pain more than lying down.

He has spanked me twice since my fall and both times I felt better and he felt worse. He is afraid of exacerbating my pain and I'm afraid of losing the wonderful connection and relief I get from a spanking. I admit I'm afraid to get spanked at this point. I've tried to ask him not to use wood: paddle, hairbrush, bath brush, etc., but to stick with leather and his hand, but he doesn't seem to like being told which implements he can and cannot use.

I've learned that if I ask for a spanking and he agrees to give me one, he will almost always use the hairbrush, the one thing I hate the most. So, I stopped asking for spankings. I don't want the hairbrush. I don't think I could tolerate anymore wood back there. The impact is just too jarring, too deep into the tissue. But, I miss my man and I miss my spankings and I hate walking around with a sore tailbone that just makes me want to cry much of the day.

Okay, it isn't fair to say I miss my man. He is right here and he is wonderful. Really. I know what it is to be without my man and this is better. Much better.

That is what is on my mind today.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Art is Art

2011-02-10T11:04:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
I recently read a post by Vesta, here. The post is lovely and I recommend it, but I want to respond to one tiny bit of it.

She writes that "someone offered her the thought" that her writing was to impress. This post is really not about Vesta, so I need to leave my comments about her with the simple observation that she took it as a gift... someone offering her something, in this case, a thought. I know nothing about who said it/wrote it and nothing about their relationship, so I'll be left with the assumption that it was offered and received in love and I'll leave it at that.

In our culture "to impress" carries negative connotations. When I read that I got the implication that she was being told that poorer writing is more honest or something. I wonder, when did we become a culture that values "raw honesty" more than high quality?

Further, I wonder if we really do? Maybe Reality TV shows give us that idea. Perhaps it is just voyeuristic pleasure that allows us to feel superior when we watch such shows and see "raw honesty" that we are sure we would never display in public. Secretly we think we would have handled it better.

Maybe I'm wrong. Personally, I can't handle watching most reality shows, because they make me so uncomfortable. Since obviously I am not their intended demographic I probably have it all wrong.

But, I fear we are losing our appreciation for art in favor of appreciation for instant gratification. How many times per episode on a food show do we hear words like, "give it a quick stir," or "really quickly, just pop it in the oven."? On competition shows it isn't about who does it best, but rather it is about who does it best within the limited time allowed. Everything has to be done quickly. Is real art done quickly?

More to the point, must art always be done quickly? Is raw honesty better than refined honesty?

For myself, I write because I am a writer. I think artists do their art out of an inner need to create that which has been built into them. Sometimes I paint in order to explore that creative side of myself, but I do not go back and back and back reworking it until I get it right. Painting is not my art. Still, I should be allowed to do it. Blog writers should be given the same consideration. If they write the blog to sort out their thoughts and feelings, and what they publish is honest and raw, great. But, some write because it is their art. I say, bravo, well done.

I have mixed feelings about writing for a public blog, and so I do so anonymously. Of course, over the years that I have been writing this blog, some folks have learned who I am. Almost daily I wrestle with the question whether or not I should delete all my blogs and superfluous email addresses and go to a simpler life.

For example, the email address associated with this blog bears the name of a man I am no longer seeing. In fact, I have married someone else. So, I created a new email address and had the one forwarded to the other. Complicated.

Recently I tried to create a whole new email address and blog, because I wanted to write a professional blog about a topic on which I have some expertise. I wasn't allowed to create any new email accounts because I already have so many. I'd like to delete them. Really, I would, but I'd lose the blogs that go with them and the followers that have joined them. Decisions, decisions.

I don't see what this has to do with spanking, but it was on my mind, so I wrote about it.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

An Open Letter to mouse

2011-02-09T16:13:00.000-06:00

Dear mouse,
I have written this letter in my mind dozens of times. It is finally time to write it in my blog.

You have made a huge difference in my life. You might recall posts from long ago in which I lamented my difficulty with providing oral pleasure for my man. The truth was I had no idea what to do with the male pleasure organ. It intimidated me. It was hairy. It smelled. It was too big for my mouth. It was associated in my mind with what he does in the men's room. Ick. I didn't want to touch the thing or look at it. And, I definitely didn't want to lick it or put it in my mouth. The very idea sickened me.

I read post after post by women who wrote about craving the taste of their man. Eww. I wanted to do that, for his sake and for ours, but eww. Ick. Yuck. No, I just couldn't. Once in a while, when I was really turned on, and worked to stay very focused on the act as pleasure, I was able to do it with moderate success. But most of the time it was just not good for me.

Many times my man would move my hand to his nether-regions and I would pull it back. Or maybe I would squeeze or stroke or something, but I never knew what the heck to do with it and the whole thing made me mighty uncomfortable.

The only thing worse than that was when a man, um, decided to taste me. Nasty. Oh how I hated that. Still makes my stomach turn to think of it. Luckily, my husband doesn't do that, so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

But, then I read one of your posts. It was months ago now and I didn't save the link. I don't remember exactly what you said, but I do remember what I heard in my mind when I read it. You said something about drawing comfort from sucking on your man.

Comfort.

Not pleasure. Not sexy-slutty. Not submissive-obedient. I've also read posts from you, and many others, about those things. Those were the things I strove to achieve but rarely did. I simply could not get my mind and body to be turned on by the thought. But, this post was different. My mind began to turn on that word, comfort.

Comfort. Could I draw comfort from my man's pleasure center?

By the time I read that in your blog I was with the man who has become my husband. One day I tried it. I was feeling vulnerable and small and dependent... needy. Instead of asking to sit in his lap I curled up with my hands and my face where they had never before wanted to be. I reached out and touched with an intention of finding comfort there, and I found it.

I was holding my man's most vulnerable place, where it was soft and warm and sensitive, and look! It became hard and strong and virile. Something to hold onto. He said something simple, like, "that feels good." It did feel good. It felt good to me. It gave me comfort.

That formerly frightening organ became my friend. Each day I became more and more comfortable playing with it. It was friendly, inviting, nice. Who knew? One day I felt such loving feelings I wanted to kiss it. It was natural, not forced, not sexy, not a big deal. Just a kiss. A nice kiss.

I went on from there. My sex life is perhaps a little better now than before, but my love life is much better. Thanks, mouse. One simple word from you made all the difference. I cannot thank you enough.

Your friend,
Maryann

Nothing But the Truth

2011-02-08T08:58:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
I just read an interesting post here. The author, Mick, addressed the issue of his wife lying by evasion, such as, "I forgot."

That post stirred a lot of comments, many from women who wish their husbands would confront them about their lying. The consensus seems to be that a husband's confrontation about such an issue shows he cares.

Here is my conundrum: My husband often confronts me when he thinks I'm upset. It does show he cares. Definitely, and I appreciate it. But, I don't always answer him.

"What's wrong, baby?" I think for a bit and do my best to answer. "Um, I don't know. Guess I just don't feel well." And, that is the very best I can do at that moment.

I don't always know what is wrong. Sometimes, when I check in with myself, I really think I just don't feel well. I do have a chronic illness, so often that is the final truth. But, I wonder, how much of my being down is because I don't feel well, and how much of a flare up is about my being down? Am I upset about what I'm upset about, or am I upset because my body hurts and I'm running a low-grade fever? What is the honest answer?

He wants the truth, but I don't know what the truth is. It seems counter-productive to bring up whatever small issue seems to be tugging at me at the moment. That seems like complaining or nagging, two things I really do not want to do. I much prefer to process negative stuff like that in my own mind and remember how to let them go. Is that lying?

What do you think?
Maryann

A Good Spanking

2011-02-06T12:34:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Yesterday I just wanted to cry. Ladies know the feeling. Anxiety builds and we need a release. I wish I could efficiently let go of anxiety by breathing deeply, or whatever, but no. For me, the most effective method of releasing anxiety is a good spanking and a good cry.

If you've read this blog for awhile, you know that my husband suggested that if I really want a spanking I should ask for one. So, I did. I asked for a spanking and he asked why I needed to be spanked. I said I had a lot of anxiety and just wanted to cry, so he said okay.

When the time came, he went to sort through the implements and collected the mean ones: the hairbrush, bathbrush, nasty thick wooden spatula, a small wooden paddle, etc. I saw that and ran to get some leather and quickly found the belt. He said if I wanted to cry he had his work cut out for him. He seemed to think that more pain equals tears. No no no. That's not it.

I tried to explain that crying is about emotional content, not volume of pain. In fact, painful swats just make me jump and yell and think about escape. Tears don't occur to me when I am in a fight or flight mode. I didn't want to be afraid of him or to marshall my resources to endure a hard spanking. I wanted a pleasant, rhythmic, predictable, steady, somewhat firm spanking.

That kind of spanking allows my thoughts to meander over whatever sadness or disappointment or anxiety that has gathered over the past several days. I can think my thoughts and cry my tears while the heat is steadily rising. By the end I can take a hard spanking, and I did. I like hard swats at the end, after the tears. It is wonderful to float into subspace and relax and let go and allow the spanks to get harder and harder, but barely to notice. Then, slowly, the swats are so hard I start to yelp a bit and gradually come out of the trance to enjoy a nice, vigorous spanking. As it turned out he did use a few of the nasty implements, but he finished strong with the belt. It was a good spanking.

That is a full service spanking to me. Tears, subspace, wriggle and fuss, and finally the pride of having taken a good spanking. The heat rises, endorphins flood, and the spanking begins to sink into memory and soreness. I feel relaxed, happy, and loved. Anxiety gone.

Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Spanking and Depression

2011-02-03T15:28:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
I just read an article about depression in men. It said that men often experience depression as anger rather than sadnessness or lethargy. They are quick to get angry and don't know why. Often they try to control their anger, since they don't really understand it and realize they are over-reacting to everything, but then it just comes out worse when they finally blow.

I wonder if spanking could be beneficial to men who are prone to depression. It seems to me that depression is linked to a feeling of powerlessness or being overwhelmed. Surely spanking his wife would give a man the feeling of power and being in control, right?

In my imagination spanking is mostly about connection and sex, but the power exchange is fundamental too. Anyway, my sweetheart is welcome to spank my bottom anytime he wants. If it helps prevent or treat depression, so much the better.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

My Bottom Hurts

2011-01-31T18:14:00.002-06:00

Because I fell on the ice. Ow. (pout)

Never Simple

2011-01-29T07:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Nothing about this lifestyle is simple, is it? Gus and I were out of town for several days this week, visiting family. So, no spankings happened, and very little fooling around. Yesterday we had the whole day at home alone. Luxury.

I expected a spanking. I wanted a spanking. I feared a spanking.

I got a spanking.

I went in to pester Gus at his desk and he got up and said something like, "Let's go get you spanked." It was so sudden, so definite, so scary!

I stalled by going to the restroom. Then, I got a pillow and a glass of water. I can be the queen of stalling, but even stalling has its limits. He patted his thigh and said, "come on." I didn't. He patted again. I asked, "why?" Then he started counting and I panicked like a little girl.

"No, no, no! Don't count. I hate it when you count," I said breathlessly as I scrambled to undo my jeans and get into position. Counting often results in that number of swats with the big paddle. I didn't think I could take that.

Right away he started spanking with his hand. It felt nice. I tried to enjoy it, but worried instead. So, I peppered him with questions, "Am I a good girl? Why do I need a spanking? Do good girls get spankings, too?" I swear I was four years old at that point.

His reply? "Maybe you shouldn't ask why, but for how long."

I didn't ask how long, but just assumed it would be long. I tried to relax. Then he used the wooden spoon and I fussed and wiggled and complained, "ow ow ow, I don't like it." Then the belt came out. It felt surprisingly good. I didn't think he could use the belt with me otk, but he did. Fifty strokes with the belt, more hand, belt again, thirty strokes this time. It felt good. I liked it. He stopped. "There, that was 20 minutes," he said, and reached for the lotion for a nice finishing rub.

I still felt pouty, but now I was pouting because it was over.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Let the Games... End

2011-01-22T14:17:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Yesterday I got the eight swats with the paddle for each Yaht$ee from the other day, plus 125 from points lost in another game, so I'm all caught up with gaming spankings. Gus doesn't seem interested in doing any more spankings from games, so it looks like we are done with that for now. I have a very sore, somewhat bruised bottom. It has been a good three days.

For this final games spanking he took me to the bedroom and bent me over the bed. I was hoping for a nice hand warm-up to get ready for the 8 hard spanks, but that is not what I got. I got 125 hard hand spanks, and they hurt. It made it impossible to relax and get ready for the other 8. Then, he put lotion on my bottom, which felt wonderful, but was designed to make the paddle hurt even worse. Next, he positioned me on the bed, hiney high over pillows, more lotion, and the big paddle came out.

Each of the eight swats really hurt and I wondered if my spanko days were over. It really was not a fun spanking at all, but the submissive girl in me appreciated my dominant man's attentions. And I did get a sore bottom from it.

Today I sit on a sore bottom, on a hard folding chair, remembering with fondness the past three days. I know I prefer a warm-up to starting right off with hard swats. I know I prefer not to count, which is hard to avoid when we are doing a set number earned from a game. I know I like a variety of positions and implements, but always prefer otk hand spankings. I know I am a spanko, a masochist, and a submissive. But, mostly I know I'm a very lucky girl to be married to the man of my dreams. I hope to please him by taking whatever spankings he delivers for many years to come.

Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

441

2011-01-21T07:50:00.001-06:00

Dear Friends,
I did receive 441 swats yesterday in celebration of my spectacular loss in Yah$zee. I also received some surprises. First, when Gus saw I had dressed for the occasion, including pantyhose and spike heels, he told me to stand in the corner. That was a first for me.

I have stood in the corner several times for men I have met online and for a few I have chatted with on the phone, but this was the first time a man told me to stand in the corner for real, in person. In the past I was convinced that corner time was not for me. I went along with it, and even encouraged men to order it, because I was curious about all things spanko. But, really it didn't do anything for me. I think it reeked too much of childhood and a teacher who was inept at gaining and maintaining control.

Since marrying Gus I have been exposed to some spanking videos for the first time, and saw for myself that corner time could be sexy. It could be pleasurable for the spanker to admire his handiwork. The spankers all seem to delight in the sight of a well spanked bottom. And, why not? I also delight in the thrill of having successfully taken a good spanking.

Gus and I never spoke about corner time, but there I stood in my dress and heels waiting for the spanking I had earned and desired. He said something like, "since you are so eager, I think I'll make you wait. Go stand in the corner until I call you." Really? "You are being awfully insubordinate for a girl who is about to be spanked." He led me by the hand (melt!) and left me in the corner of his choice.

Then, he muttered aloud to himself so I could follow the play by play. "Let's see. Should I walk the dogs or do the lunch dishes? Hmm, which implements do I want? This looks good. Oh yes, this one for sure...." Most of that was for my entertainment as he did not keep me waiting too long. "Okay, my love, come here." I came to him. "Take off your jacket." I obeyed. (Mmmm, I do love being ordered to do things.) "Now, over my lap." I bent over him and stopped to kiss him. A lot. My favorite stall technique. He allowed several kisses and finally announced, "it is time."

After I was in position he lifted my skirt to revealed my pantyhose-clad bottom. Side note: I hate hate hate pantyhose and normally choose thigh-highs with a garter belt when stockings are necessary. They very rarely are necessary, though, as I go bare legged in the summer and tend to choose pants or boots during the colder months. Gus likes pantyhose, so there I was. Back to the story....

He began with 25 firm swats with his hand. Those were the lightest spanks of the day, my warm-up. I truly enjoyed them. Next, the pantyhose came down. The other 416 would be bare bottomed.

He established a pattern for each hundred. He began each set with 25 hand spanks, followed by a break and some rubbing. The second 25 were harder, with a mild implement, like the wooden spoon or a flex ruler. More rubbing. The third 25 were harder still, with some awful thing like the dreaded hair brush. This set was really designed to elicit my submission. It took all I had to simply endure. More rubbing. Then, the final 25 were outrageously hard, with the hand paddle, the big paddle, or the leather strap. The man can really make leather sing. I used to think of it as a mild implement. Not anymore.

He made me count each of the final 25, in part because he can gauge my ability to absorb the pain by the tenor of my voice. I get to control the pace, because he doesn't deliver the next swat until this one is accounted for, "(pant, pant, pant, squeaky voice)... seven."

With the completion of each hundred I was given a good rest, including his fingers exploring the nether regions. It was a celebration of our love and connection. I would just lie there and accept his ministrations, delighting in his leadership and firm control. He would use me, please me, stroke me, and allow me to recover. At one point he inserted a toy and insisted that I cum for him. After 300 swats he sent me back to the corner for a good rest of maybe ten minutes or so. My hot hot bottom had a chance to cool a bit, and Gus stepped outside for a smoke. It was a nice break.

After 400 I got another break as he returned an important phone call and we then commenced the final 41. Again, he did a set of 25 hard swats with his hand, but the big finale was 16 world class whacks with the bath brush, again delivered slowly and to my count. I loved those incredibly painful swats and luxuriated in the attention of my man, admitting again to myself that I do, whether I like to admit it or not, I do indeed have an inner slut that likes to be used and an inner masochist that can only be satisfied by a man willing to do the hard work of delivering a hard spanking.

Thanks, Gus. I love you.
Happy spanking, everyone!
Maryann

P.S. Today I am due 8 swats with the big paddle, bent over the gaming table, one for each Yaht$ee in yesterday's game. I'm sore enough now that I'm not really looking forward to it, but then again, bring it on. I expect to get it just before bed. There is nothing like a spanking to induce a good night's sleep.

Whew-eeeee

2011-01-20T10:17:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
My husband has been very sick since shortly after Christmas. He has felt weak, had a terrible fever, and lots of pain. Spanking was put on hold... until yesterday.

Whew-eeeee! He put me over his knee and started with a nice hand warm-up, panties on. Then he got a phone call. I was saved by the bell. His phone was in his pocket, so he handled the matter within about three minutes, with me over his lap. While he talked, his hand wandered around my tushy, and my mind wandered around the delights of a good spanking.

By the time he hung up I was recovered from the shock of those first spanks after such a long dry spell, and I was ready to go! He pulled down my panties and spanked back and forth, one cheek, then the other, back and forth back and forth. In my mind, with each spank I thought, "sex, y, sex, y, sex, y."

The spanks got harder and harder and I got warmer and warmer, wanting my man more and more. He moved on to the leather strap, which brought me out of my trance. Ow! Some of those slaps really hurt. I found I was loving it. Then, the wooden spoon. This was a full service, all-out spanking. He ended with the ping-pong paddle. He did a set of 30, followed by rubbing lotion on my bum, followed by ten hard swats with the paddle, more lotion, ten more, more lotion, and finished with ten very hard swats. I was hot for my man and spanking was back!

Afterward, we played a marathon game of Yahtzee, a whole card (six games) as one game. I lost by 441 points. Today I pay 441 swats. In anticipation I showered, shaved, um, well... very carefully, put on silk panties and a black dress. Now I'm going to fix my hair and make-up, put on stockings, and red spike heels. I hope he enjoys todays spanking as much as I enjoyed yesterday's.

It is fun to dress up to stay home. We have a lot of snow here and don't plan to leave the house. Yay.
Happy spanking, everyone!
Maryann

Marriage is Good

2010-12-15T10:55:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Obviously I have had one of my all-too-common seasons of not blogging much. I don't know if it was because I was so busy, or if I had nothing to say, or maybe it was because there was something truly precious and private about the first three months of married life. I only felt like writing when something went a little bit awry, and I knew that wasn't fair, because every day with Gus has been wonderful.

Wonderful seems like just the right word. Some of you who have read my little blog from the beginning know how deeply I felt that I was not really worthy of being cared for and protected, and... led. It just seemed to me that my upbringing and personality determined I would always be self-sufficient. Yes, I could love and be loved. I could have and be a good life partner with someone. I could even be spanked and enjoy it. But, while other women could be with men who protected and led them, it just wasn't a reasonable thing to hope for in my own life.

Well, it happened, and I am amazed. Our marriage is very normal, sweet, loving, and fun, but I am not the boss anymore. Day by day my relief grows as I relax and trust him. I finally get to need my man and mind him, even when it seems like he is just being obnoxious. In the end I always feel loved, cared for, and protected.

I am a lucky, lucky girl. I love my man.
Maryann

2010-12-12T07:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
Pouting gets you nowhere. I knew that when I wrote my last post, but you know, sometimes brats pout. Gus expects it. Unfortunately, it really doesn't disturb him too much.

Last night I got sick and Gus was there to help me to bed and tuck me in. There is nothing as lovely in the world as being cared for when I am at my weakest. Love wears many faces.
Maryann

Pouting

2010-12-11T15:58:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends,
I don't like counting. I hate it, despise it, abhor it. It stinks.

I also hate the hairbrush.

So, why is it when I asked for a spanking that is what I got? Can anybody explain it to me? I wanted a spanking I like, but got one i hate.
Yuck.

Your (pouting) friend,
Maryann

2010-10-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Gus read my last post shortly after I posted it. He decided the proper response from him was to deliver three hard swats with the paddle. That made an impression on my already thoroughly spanked bottom.
That night he repeated the 9:00 appointment and did not hold back. This brings us to yesterday, Friday. Oddly, my bottom didn't feel as sore as it had the previous two days, despite the sound spanking I'd had the night before.

Gus was heading out of town for a few days and wanted to be sure I was properly spanked before he left.
He started spanking with his hand over my clothes. When he lifted my skirt and lowered my panties he began telling me what he expects while he is gone. I am supposed to take my medicine appropriately, plan meals at least a couple of days in advance so I will have the things on hand that I need to eat healthy food, and do my physical therapy exercises. Each of the three items was accompanied by spankings with the ping pong paddle. When it was over he sent me to get the big paddle.

He then held my face and said he was serious about what I should do while he is gone and to emphasize the point he would remind me what awaited me should I fail. He put me into position and delivered three full strength swats. (By full strength I mean the strongest he delivers, not the strongest he is capable of delivering. I shudder to think what that might be.)

I took that pre-separation spanking very well, but he was a bit concerned that he'd gone just a bit too far. I assured him that I needed it and was glad it would last awhile. He said it was the hardest spanking he has ever given me. I thanked him.

Tonight I sit here an hour before our nightly appointment and I miss him. I'd gladly submit to another hard spanking. My bottom is glad for the break.

Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

Things Heat Up

2010-10-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
My dear husband spanked my bottom three times in two days. Right now I am sitting on a very soft recliner and the tenderness still makes me wince.

The first spanking was two days ago, in the morning. I was working on something on my computer when I heard his voice from the bedroom, "Maryann, come here please." Yes sir, I obeyed. I honestly didn't know if he was planning to spank me or not. I sat down next to him on the bed. He shook his head and then put me in position. He spanked with his hand and with the leather strap, both with my pants on. Then he said, "You are getting another spanking tonight."

True to his word, that night he put me over his knee and spanked for maybe ten minutes. He used the ping pong paddle, the flyswatter, and the leather strap. Then, he told me to pull down my pants and go back over his lap. He finished with the ping pong paddle. The steady firm swats created building heat and pain that allowed me to waft into happy subspace. He spanked on and on.

Two of my long-standing fantasies were met in one day. I've long dreamed of being spanked after being called away from some work that is consuming my attention. The second fantasy was that I be spanked fairly hard for a good long time after I was in subspace. I never told Gus either of those fantasies, yet he fulfilled them. A third fantasy of mine is to be spanked when I really don't want to be. Gus has done that one several times, but by far the best was last night.

He came in at 8:45 and gently told me that he would be meeting me in the living room at 9:00 and I would be going over his knee again. Honestly, I did not expect that at all. The previous evening's spanking was one of my all time favorites, but it left bruises, swelling, and tremendous heat that lasted for hours. I have fantasied about being spanked again after such a thorough spanking, but I've never been able to persuade any of my spankers to do it. Even when Gus said I'd be spanked again I figured it would be a patty-cake spanking. It wasn't.

By no means did he spank as long or as hard as the night before, but he did spank me to tears. Then he gently applied lotion and took his time rubbing it all over. My bottom is incredibly sore. The pain even woke me early this morning. I had to sleep on my stomach. And, I am utterly in love with my man.

I often tell him, "You know best." He certainly does.
Happy spanking everyone,
Maryann

2010-10-24T16:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Gus and I got married fast. We know it. It was a really odd choice for both of us. We did and do have our reasons and I am satisfied that it was a good choice for us both. I am a very happy bride.

Most things are going very well. We can read each other's moods, make choices together, both big and small, and handle the demands of normal life together. Our temperaments are good for each other. We are committed, deeply committed in our intentions toward one another and to our marriage, and we love each other. Oh, and he likes to spank and I like to get spanked. That's not a bad start.

Gus is dominant and I am submissive in the relationship. He is strong for me and I eagerly serve him. That part of our relationship has worked well so far. We both are pretty consistent with those roles. I think it is because they come naturally to us. We don't have to remember to behave that way. It is who we are. No problem there.

Still, we have weathered a few bumps already and look forward to handling many more. It is not a surprise that we have had some difficulty in discovering and understanding each other's expectations concerning spanking.

The issue is about the spankings, themselves. He isn't spanking as frequently as he'd like and I'm not being spanked as frequently as I'd like. We both want more spankings. What's the problem? I don't know. What's the solution? I don't know that, either. I think the problem lies deeply within each of our different life experiences, in that murky realm of assumptions.

The thing about assumptions is they aren't given voice, because they are assumed. By the time they reach the level of awareness where conversations happen they are no longer assumptions. How do we talk about things that hide themselves from conscious thought?

When we were trying to figure it out, I asked him what I should do if I want a spanking, because sometimes I have felt rejected when my overtures were not met with a one. Sister-friends, you'll never guess what he said. Brother-friends, you already guessed it. He said, "ask me to spank you." Duh. Why, oh why do I make things complicated when they could be quite simple?

I think I'll go ask for one now.
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

Honeymoon Essentials

2010-10-23T22:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
My husband just told me he wants me to start blogging again, so here I am. It is so easy to get out of the habit, but he is right. It is good for me to blog... both to write here and to read your blogs.

We are taking our honeymoon a little at a time. Last night we luxuriated in a lovely motel, soaked in the hot tub, dipped a bit in the pool, and had a great steak dinner. This morning, between breakfast and check-out, Gus created art on my hiney. He started with a nice hand print and followed up with very rosy cheeks.

Married life is good.
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

Love Our Lurkers Day

2010-10-21T16:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I can't believe I almost missed Love Our Lurkers Day! I do love my lurkers and all my readers and visitors. I miss blogging and hope to write again soon.

Lurkers, please don't be too shy to say hello. I can't wait to get acquainted with you.
Maryann

Online Again

2010-09-29T15:54:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends,
We just got internet access in our new home. Can't tell you the hassle it has been. We've had to go to the library to get online and I just didn't want to blog there, you know?

We have been married almost a month and so far, so good. We are happy and functional and supportive of each other and all that good married stuff. Not much spanking, though.

Gus won't spank me when I'm already in pain due to medical conditions. I'm sure in years to come I will appreciate that very much, but it has been a little disappointing to both of us that our marriage hasn't begun with quite the bang we both expected.

Can't wait to have time to post more and get back to reading your blogs. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you stopped by.
Maryann

Introducing...Mr. and Mrs. Gustav and Maryann Lovejoy

2010-09-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
My husband just caught me blogging when I was supposed to be doing work online. I got three swats with the paddle for it. I asked why? "So you'll have something to blog about." He gave me the three swats and said, "Blog, then get to work."

As I rubbed my sore bottom I heard him mutter to the dog, "It's a good life being a Dom, Rover. If that had happened to me I'd be bawling like a baby."

It is good to be married to my wonderful man. I chose the last name "Lovejoy" because that is how I feel now and want to remember to feel as we go along.
Happy Spanking, everyone,
Mrs. Maryann Lovejoy

Preparations are Coming Together

2010-09-05T07:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Of course I don't have time to post right now, but I just can't help it. This is my wedding weekend and I simply must share it with all of you.

The dress is ready to go. The flowers are beautiful. We have the rings and the license and the service is written. His family is all in town, nestled safely in their motel rooms. All is well.

It looks like I will be a spanked bride, but you know life doesn't always go as we plan or expect, so whether or not he has a chance to spank me before the wedding I will be a happy bride. He really is a wonderful man and I am pleased to share my life with him.
Blessings to all,
Maryann

Ready, Set, ...

2010-08-21T17:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Our wedding is almost to "Go."

We survived our first major misunderstanding. Actually, we did much better than survive. We talked it through and arrived at a good conclusion, I think.

Misunderstandings happen all the time. Language is just not precise. Each person expresses himself/herself differently. That is life. The misunderstanding itself did not bother me too much. But, I was crushed by the feeling that he and I were on opposite sides, pushing against each other. We have to always be on the same side.

Somehow it happened that we each owned our own problems and kind of flung our conclusions at each other. The goal is to always share each problem and work them out together. It was all resolved within one day, though, so I'm very optimistic about our life together.

I hear you, I hear you. "What about the spanking? Did he spank you? Huh? Did he?"

Nope. As promised he didn't use spanking to end or resolve a major issue. We worked it out together. I won't be spanked again until I am Mrs. Gustav. Can't wait!
Happy spanking everyone,
Maryann

All I Have to do is Ask

2010-08-18T04:16:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
One of my favorite things about love in old age (46) is I have learned to actually ask for what I want. Earlier tonight I was missing Gus. I thought about calling him, but I knew he was busy with something and his mind was on that. I thought if I called him just to chat he might end the call quickly and I'd be disappointed.

So, I had to think about what it was I really wanted. Obviously I wanted what I always want when I feel insecure. I wanted reassurance.

Then I asked myself if I should bother Gus or not. When I thought about it for a minute I realized I'm marrying Gus because he is different from other guys I have dated. He wants me to need him. He would actually spank me for not calling him when I needed him.

I called. "Hi honey."
"Hi Baby. What's up?"
"I want you to tell me I'm your girl."
"You are my girl. Only mine."
"Forever?"
"At least that long. I love you, baby."
"I love you, too."
"Sleep well and have sweet dreams, my angel."
"Thanks honey. You too. I love you."
"I love you, baby."

We hung up with a big smile on my face and I went to bed satisfied. This is the love I want. Still a bit surprised to have found it. I love Gus!
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

2010-08-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I've had a rough day today. I am not with my man. He is at his home and I am at mine.

That sentence even looks odd when I read it. I think of his home as mine and my home as his. It feels like we just go back and forth between our two homes, but that isn't the reality yet. I live here alone.

Sunday afternoons should be filled with kissing, hugging, spanking and loving, followed by a break to eat brownies and then start all over again. I miss Gus.
Your friend,
Maryann

Come Here

2010-08-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
A good friend once told me that submissive girls need lots of reassurance. I don't know if that is right or not, but I do know that I am incredibly insecure about romantic love.

I don't know whether I'm insecure because my relationships have ended or if my relationships ended because I was insecure. Probably both. Life is never so clear cut.

I remember a conversation with Gus when we first met. I said I wondered if he could handle me. He asked what I meant. Then I admitted that sometimes I experience intense insecurity and act out in ridiculous ways. I wish I had written down his exact response so I could get the quote right, but what I heard was something like, "of course you do."

I asked what he meant. Was he insecure like that too? He said no, not really. I mean, he knows what insecurity feels like, as all humans do, but he isn't insecure. So, why would he respond like that? I asked him to say more.

He said it was normal for me to feel that way and I shouldn't worry about it. So, again I wondered if he'd still feel that way when it happened. He said he would. I felt the stirring of something unfamiliar to my previous dating experiences. He wasn't showing off. He wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear. He didn't elaborate. It was very matter-of-fact.

I remember consciously thinking that he might be the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course I didn't trust myself, so I remained guarded, but I tucked that conversation away in a safe place where I could return to it later on.

Recently I felt a little insecure, like our up-coming wedding was too good to be true. I had a full melt down. He did something that was very light teasing in his mind, but felt to me like total rejection. I bawled my eyes out. I couldn't even calm down enough to tell him why I was so upset. He seemed to be quite startled by my behavior. Panic began to rise up in me. This was a test for both of us.

I was so distraught that my memory of what happened next is fuzzy. He took the dogs for a walk, which gave both of us a few minutes alone to think about what had happened and what should happen next. When he came back he apologized very calmly and sincerely. He certainly did not intend to upset me. I was still crying at that point. Then he said, "come here."

I remember thinking that he was trying to just bring this thing to an end. He was ready for me to forgive him, admit that I was being silly, and move on. But, I couldn't just move on. I was still really upset. I knew my behavior was a total over-reaction, but I honestly just could not help it at that time. All of this was going on in my mind and my body stayed right where it was.

He repeated himself, "come here." He doesn't like to repeat himself. The second time I heard an impossible mix of dominance and understanding. He expected me to obey him. I still didn't really trust him not to discount my intense feelings, but I felt compelled to do what he said. I went to him and he wrapped his big arms around me and just held me.

Pretty soon I was melting into him and I heard myself babbling about how I knew I was over-reacting and I was sorry and didn't know why I felt so raw and it wasn't his fault. He just held me. Then he said something like, "it's okay," kissed me, and told me it was time to go to sleep.

I did not mean to test him, really I didn't. But, I'm awfully glad it happened. Yes, he can handle me.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

What I Want to Do

2010-08-11T09:06:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
I just read an interesting post on The Kind Dom. He was considering the question, "What do you want to do?" Should a dom insist that his sub answer when he asks, or is it okay for her to defer to whatever he wants?

His question called up something in me that I'd like to write about now.

One of my greatest fears is that I might become annoying to my man. Growing up I was often told that I talked too much. It was incredibly hurtful, because it meant the other person wasn't interested in me. What I had to say wasn't important. Or, maybe it just meant I wasn't good enough. I didn't know how to behave properly in social situations, like school or play dates. I was defective, wrong, inappropriate, boring, tedious, wearing, or just plain annoying. It would be better for other people if I would just shut up.

I talk much less now, but I still worry about being annoying. Gus and I have talked about my fear and about his need for space. I also need time alone. I crave it. But, in our lifestyle I have a lot of time alone and he has very little. That will be true even after we are married. He will leave the house to go to work. He'll work with people all day. His kids call him at least once a day, or he calls them. He juggles a thousand things every day, listening and solving problems for everyone in his life.

I work at home and can literally go a few days without seeing another person. Often he is the only person who calls me all day. I can go a week without talking to my kids. Maybe I shouldn't do that. I'm not sure. Anyway, that is my reality. I get large chunks of time alone, but he doesn't. When I see him, I naturally want to press my body against his and draw his strength and his love into myself. He wants that, too, of course. But, how will he also get his time alone?

Many times I have asked him, "When we are married, will you send me to my room sometimes?" He always says yes, he will. One time recently he kissed me and lovingly told me to go and blog. I smiled and said, "yes sir." Happily I went to the other room and spent an hour or two reading your blogs and writing here.

He sat outside with his adult son and had a leisurely conversation. Then, they came inside and chose a TV program I would never want to watch... shark week. Yuck. It wasn't too long before he came and got me. He wanted to be with me again. He was glad to see me. It felt wonderful to know that he was with me because he wanted to be.

I enjoyed my time blogging. I thought about doing something else with that time, like reading, working on work stuff, catching up on email, etc., but it was more fun to just do what he told me to do. In fact, I got absorbed in what I was doing, and when he came to get me I wasn't quite finished with my post. I wrapped it up quickly so we could go out together. Again, I did what he wanted, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

What do I want to do? Whatever you want, sir. Please just let me please you. That is my favorite thing to do.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Um

2010-08-03T10:34:00.000-05:00

The man spanks hard.

Bargaining

2010-08-02T18:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

I want to finish telling you about our his and hers jars. You already know that Gus can require me to put pennies in his jar for whatever behavior he chooses, but there is another way pennies can go in his jar, too. I'm not sure "bargaining" is really the right word for it, but I haven't come up with a better one yet.

Suppose I ask Gus if I can have a dish of ice cream. He might respond in any of at least three ways. He could say yes. He could say no. Or, he could say, "yes, but it will cost you _____." Maybe tonight ice cream will cost a nickel, but tomorrow it might be free, or it could cost a dime. This is where the game gets really fun for me.

Pennies that go into his jar for things like this are clearly not punishments, no matter how you define it. They are consequences of choices I make. Maybe I'm itching for a good, hard spanking and there are no coins in his jar. I might accept a deal of getting whatever I asked for, but at the cost of a dime to his jar. On the other hand, if his jar already has thirty cents in it, I might hesitate to do something that even costs just a couple of pennies. Thirty-two swats might be more than I'd be willing to risk. Probably he wouldn't deliver them all at one time, but he could, so I better be careful.

We haven't actually started the coin thing yet, but I think it sounds like fun, with lots and lots of chances for him to be dominant, me to be submissive, and my happy bottom to be reddened. Let the games begin (soon, I hope).
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Punishment, Choice, and Power Exchange

2010-08-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
In my most recent post I wrote, "you say punishment, I say choice," and said I'd come back to that. Here we go.

A friend asked me to explain a bit about what I mean when I use the word, "punishment." She offered the definition, "a penalty for an offense," and asked if I really thought criminals should not be punished. My response is, I accept that definition as a start, but I think there is an element of suffering or pay-back involved in punishment. If someone commits a crime, that person should suffer for it, in a punishment model. Also, threat of punishment should act as a deterrent. In other words, people should be afraid of being punished as a motivator to do what is right.

I do not think that works, ultimately. My opinion has been formed over a lifetime of my own experiences, the evidence I have come across, and my own sense of what makes sense to me. I just want to be clear about that. I make absolutely no judgment on any other person's opinion that has been formed by his or her lifetime of experience, etc. Okay? I thought that was clear in my previous post on "punishment." I'm always writing about my opinion, my perspective, and why I wrestle with these questions. I don't use this blog as a tool of persuasion, political discourse, or debate. Each of us gets to hold our own opinions and express them here, without any need to reach agreement or judge one another. By the way, I think Gustav thinks differently on this topic.

I don't know that my evidence would convince anybody else, but a few things shaped my perspective. One is the movie "Greenfingers." It tells a story of an alternative-type of prison in the UK. The main character is serving a life sentence for aggravated homicide. I may have the exact charge wrong, but the guy killed somebody without it being premeditated. He gets moved from the prison where he has been kept for a significant number of years into this alternative prison. He was referred by his previous warden, I think, and he isn't happy about it. He is not at all optimistic that anything good will come of this move.

The movie tells the story of how he starts a garden and gets other inmates involved. When he comes before the parole board he is asked whether he thinks he should be paroled. His answer is interesting. It has been a few years since I saw the movie, so this is not a direct quote, but he says, "whether you parole me or not I am no longer a murderer. I am a gardener."

He had served many years in prison and saw himself as a murderer, but when he was given an opportunity to become something else, he did. Rehabilitation involves helping criminals see themselves as people who committed crimes, but who are much more than that. It focuses on building a healthy self-image, developing a skill, and creating true optimism, the kind that allows one to make positive plans for one's release from incarceration. Punishment was about paying him back for what he had done. He thought he deserved that. He knew he deserved that. So, he remained a murderer in his own mind . Punishment didn't work. Rehabilitation did work. It was an interesting case study. I don't remember if it was based on a specific true story or not, but I found it formative for my thoughts on the subject.

Another piece of evidence that persuaded me was a study I heard about on a radio show, I think. Since I cannot cite the source it is fair to assume it might have been an unreliable one. I make no claim one way or another. It is just that I found it convincing. In this study people who had been sentenced to execution were asked if they had ever seen an execution with their own eyes. A large number of them had seen one, right there in front of them, not on television or a movie. The study was obviously not done recently in the US. They were asked how they felt about the executions they had seen and they all had been horrified by them. Yet here they were, themselves condemned to die. Threat of capital punishment was not an effective deterrent for criminal behavior.

Finally, I heard a monk say that when he used to regularly visit a specific prison and meet with the same group of prisoners over a significant period of time, he never saw them as criminals, but as people who one or more times in their lives had committed crimes. He helped them to see themselves that way, as well. He treated them with respect as fellow human beings. He did not judge them or fear them. Years later, when he returned to visit that prison just for one day, the warden told him that none of the people he had worked with had returned to prison after being released. Not one. I'll be happy to give you the link to the monk if you email me and ask. I don't want to put it here or people who are looking for him might be led to this blog. Not a good idea.

All of my evidence is anecdotal. I have not even tried to substantiate any of these claims. I don't submit it to my readers with an intention of persuading you. This is just my own experience and justification for where I come out on the topic of punishment. It doesn't seem to work, or at least it doesn't work as well as kindness, care, and hope. I do think that some people do pose a threat to the common peace and should be removed from society. I just think that prison time should used to help a person be able to return to society, not simply to make her/him suffer as payback for the crime. That is my position on the question of punishment.

I used the word "choice" in my previous post, because I made a choice to agree to the three swats per word. I chose to say the word. I chose to submit to Gus as he administered the swats. And, I enjoyed the spanking.

The truth is I didn't intentionally say any of the words on Gustav's list. I wouldn't do that. Fear of punishment? No. I wouldn't do that because I am highly motivated to please him and I agree that it would be a good idea for me to change my language a bit. Even without the second part of that sentence, I would still strive to eliminate those words from my speech just because I want to please him. The spanking does not enter into the equation one way or another. I do not fear the spanking.

I concede that the spanking is a consequence of my having uttered the forbidden word. It is a consequence for my behavior. The difference between consequence or choice and punishment is huge to me. It is a consequence only because Gus and I enjoy the power exchange of him spanking me. It is more enjoyable for him if he has a reason to spank. It is more enjoyable for me when it is more enjoyable for him, and when his dominance is exerted. The power exchange is real because I do thrive in his loving, dominant care, and he thrives in my eager submission to him. Wooden paddle spankings, as consequences for behaviors that miss the marks he sets for me, are enjoyable for us both. I am not made to suffer.

Final thoughts for this post:
Gus and I are happy with each other. We are in love. We trust each other and delight in our power exchange. Spankings are happy experiences for us both, even if I experience real pain and/or cry. I enjoyed pouting at him after the rough spanking I described in an earlier post, but it didn't take long for me to move from pouting into delightful surrender. Then I got wonderful subbie snuggle urges. I did not come away from that spanking with a single thought of fear. I will never be afraid of Gustav. He will never intend to make me suffer. He will exert his dominance and insist I do things his way, and I will express my submission by obeying him. When I miss the mark, I will be spanked. And, we will live happily ever after. (May it be so.)
Happy spankings, everyone,
Maryann

Still Thinking About It Differently

2010-08-01T17:13:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
Gustav just told me to blog, so here I am. As I considered my post I wondered if my readers were getting weary of my never-ending exploration of what spanking means to me, what I want it to mean, how I want to live, what would work for the two of us, and on and on and on. But, then I had to laugh, because that is all you have ever read here on my blog, so you must like it if you keep coming back. So, I'm trusting you happy readers with a few specifics about what we are doing now.

Recently I told Gus what was on my mind. I started by saying I have been frustrated and disappointed some lately, which means I need to adjust my expectations. It is clear that he likes spanking me, but I want lots more spankings than I'm getting. Should I adjust my expectations to a couple of times a week? I don't like begging for spankings, because that puts him in the awkward situation of either giving me what I want, which translates to letting me have my way, or not giving me what I want, which translates into no spankings. We both lose when our dynamic goes to that place and parks. I need to stop asking. In order to stop asking I need to know what to expect. Whew. I got out the worst of it.

He considered his response, as he always does, and said he expected to spank me much more often when we are married and live in our own house, alone together. Here at his place there are too many distractions and interruptions. So, yeah, probably I won't get as many spankings for the next few weeks as I'd like. Once we are married, however, I should expect to be spanked most days. He agreed that he does like to spank me and he looks forward to having the freedom to spank when he wants to spank. So far, so good.

For the next bit of the conversation, you need to know that a few days ago I got nine hard swats from the wooden paddle to settle a little matter of my having said three words on Gustav's forbidden list. You say punishment, I say choice. More on that later.

Okay, so he put me into position and one by one landed nine hard swats, each of which at least took my breath away. He'd wait for me to recover. He'd wait a little longer, to build my dread, and he'd land the next one. I was happy when number nine was done. I'm not sure how many more of those I could have taken before invoking a safe word. It was difficult to take.

Later in the day, Gus told me he really liked that spanking. I told him I did, too. That is the truth.

Now we return to the story of our recent series of conversations. We had established that I need to lower my expectations for now, but yes, I can keep an expectation of several times a week, if not every day, when we are married in just a few weeks. Excellent.

Next I asked what it was he liked about that paddle spanking. Part of his answer surprised me, but I had been right that he liked the formality of it and the idea of a purpose to it. I had said the words. Now I had to pay for them. Something like that. Okay, that is his view of things.

My pleasure (is that the right word) in the spanking came in the dominant way he handled it. He set the time, he put me into position, etc. And, this may have surprised him a bit, I liked how hard he spanked, because at times he has treated me as if I were a bit fragile. Fragile is his word, not mine. Don't get me wrong, he has always spanked harder than any spanking I had received before meeting him. The man spanks hard. But in this particular spanking each swat was nearly equally hard. He didn't lighten up someplace in the middle to help me make it to the end. I felt proud that I took it and felt pleased that he thought I could.

Clearly I want more of those types of spankings. Clearly he wants more of those types of spankings. How do we preserve what is important to each of us without requiring me to swallow my objections to punishment? We talked about it and came up with a little gimmick, a strategy, or maybe a game. Think of it however you wish.

The idea is a direct adaptation of a method used by two of my blogging friends who closed their blog some time ago. Some of my readers will recognize the couple. They may or may not choose to identify themselves in the comments. I'll leave that to them.

Theirs is a long distant relationship, which poses real challenges to HOH and DD daily living. They set up a jar and bought a bunch of beads. Each bead represented one swat to be delivered to her by him the next time they were to get together. Anytime he felt the need to re-enforce a message with her, he'd tell her to put one or more beads in the jar.

For the two of them it took something fairly serious for him to require even one bead, because they were often apart for several months at a time. If he doled out beads on a daily basis, she could end up with a hundred or more by the time he would be able to settle up. This was a top-down, one way mechanism they used within a larger context of DD.

Our situation is different from theirs in significant ways. First, I want to keep it fun, even within a larger context of happily submitting to him in all aspects of our life together. Second, we are going to be living together just as soon as we are married. Third, we both wanted a means through which I could ask for a spanking that I want, for my own reasons, and with an implement of my choosing.

So, here is what we agreed to try: We each get a jar, his and hers. He can require me to put money in his jar for any reason he deems appropriate. Each penny represents one hard swat with the wooden paddle. His enjoyment of a specific purpose and a more formal structure is met. He also controls my jar, but instead of me putting coins in it, he puts coins in it whenever he wants to reward me for some good behavior. There are no rules for this. The choice is his.

He can require me to bring him the money in his jar anytime he wants, and I will have to pay up. He literally keeps those coins. (It is really only a symbolic thing as all our money will be ours, anyway.) But, the fun part for me is I get to choose when to bring him the coins in my jar, and ask appropriately, if I can cash them in or not. He can say no to the timing, if he chooses, but when he does say yes, I get to choose the position and the implement, and I get to keep the money.

He just told me to wrap it up, so I'll tell you more next time.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Asking For It

2010-07-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Folks have bad days sometimes. That is life. I am mature enough to know it. I'm experienced enough to know it. It is important that Gustav and I have some bad days before the wedding. We need to learn how to care for each other on bad days. Cuddle? Leave alone? Talk? Go out?

I find myself guessing again. That is a bad habit of mine and it brings me pain. I tried too hard today to please Gustav. Instead of trying so hard, I should have just asked him what I could do to make his life better. The things I tried on my own didn't work.

Then, after supper I asked him if I could take a shower. I've never asked permission for something like that before. He said, "yes." He didn't say, "you know you don't have to ask something like that." He didn't make fun of me for asking. He didn't discount my submission in asking. He just answered me. That is exactly what I've always wanted. Now I just need to establish the habit of asking first instead of doing and hoping it is what he wanted.

I am deeply in love with this man and cannot wait to be his bride.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Awkward, but Workable

2010-07-29T15:14:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
Now that I have gone public with my distaste for punishment, it is time for me to explore what DD might mean for Gus and me and our particular relationship.

In a recent post I wrote that Gustav wouldn't spank me if he were really angry anyway, so I needn't fear DD. I still think that is right. But now I've painted myself into a corner and will have to track up the floor in order to get out again. Do I want DD or not? Will I submit to Gustav or do I expect equality?

Once again I come around to the self-evident truth that I trust Gustav and of course I will honor him and obey him in all things, inside and outside the bedroom. He'll lead me where he wants to go and I'll gratefully and happily follow along.

I don't expect equality, but Gus provides it, anyway. I know my voice will always be heard in my relationship with him. I have nothing to fear about that.

Now, do I want DD or not? This feels almost like a cop-out answer, but here goes. I want whatever Gustav wants.

If you read back through my blog you will probably find that is where I always end up when I explore these questions. I love my man. I respect him. I trust him. I luxuriate in pleasing him. He protects me and I feel safe. My little submissive heart leaps at every dominant thing he does. I love to be spanked when I want it. It turns out that I love to be spanked when I don't want it, too. I love it when he overwhelms me with his strength and size and masculinity. I love it when he tells me what he wants me to do. And, I love it when he takes my face in his huge hands and says, "I love you, baby."

Yes, I do have a negative opinion of punishment, but I have a much stronger positive opinion of Gustav. I do intend to love him, to honor him, and to obey him for the rest of our life together. That is my definition of domestic discipline. Whether my spankings are for fun, for maintenance, for punishment, for reward, or just because he says so, I know I will be spanked. I know I will mostly obey him. And I know sometimes I will be a sassy little brat. After all, life is for living!
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Punishment

2010-07-28T23:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I don't expect this post to win me too many friends, but here goes.

My problem with domestic discipline is I think punishment is a bad idea. It doesn't work and it teaches the wrong things. The first thing we all learn from punishment is to do our best to avoid getting caught.

Suppose I make a simple mistake, with no bad intention involved. Then I notice the mistake and correct it and life goes on. No big deal. But, if you introduce punishment and dd into the picture, now I have a quandary. Without the threat of punishment it is a simple thing to "confess" my mistake and tell Gus what I did to correct it. It is a casual conversation, perhaps over dinner. But, if it involves breaking a rule, that same simple conversation results in a punishment. The whole thing is over and done with, but now it suddenly isn't over and done with at all. Now I have to be punished.

Punishment is not supposed to be fun and sexy. So, now I have real dread of it. Isn't it easier to just keep my mouth shut and never confess at all? What have I learned? I've learned to keep secrets from Gus. Is that the best thing for our relationship? No. Of course not.

For his part, he may or may not even want me to tell him. Once I've confessed, he is honor bound to mete out the pre-determined punishment. Neither of us is in the mood. It isn't fun and happy. It doesn't bring us closer. So, even from his point of view, he might prefer that I just keep quiet about it. Once again, punishment results in more distance between us, not more closeness. No good.

I've already alluded to point number two, but now I'll spell it out. Punishment makes a big deal out of something that needn't be a big deal at all.

I once took a class in which I was required to write up and present "case studies." I'd have to notice some moment of tension or potential problem and write it up with as much honesty and as many details as possible. Then I had to make copies of it and distribute them to my small group of about 4 people. They would read it and ask me questions. Then, they would take turns giving their opinion on how I handled the situation or how I could have handled it better or what I might do differently in a similar situation in the future.

Great. It could be a useful process for handling an incident that actually kept me up at night. But, it never was. It was always just whatever I could come up with for the week it was my turn. So, we'd spend an hour hashing and re-hashing a non-event, with all of my colleagues weighing in on something that just doesn't matter at all. I found that frustrating.

It seems to me that punishment creates a similar dynamic.

So far I have been given two rules to follow. The first is to stop using so-called curse words or language not fitting for a lady to speak. The second is to take my medications on time.

Okay. Both of those things are good ideas and will make my life better, at least theoretically. Gus cares about both of these issues enough to have asked me to change those behaviors. I want to please him. I agree that taking my medications on time would be helpful. I agree that it isn't a good idea for me to use language that reflects poorly on me. I certainly don't want to embarrass him, or say something that would reflect poorly on him. Great. He wants me to change and I'm motivated to change, and both of those issues are fairly big and important. Fine.

But, each incidence is trivial. In the first instance I am breaking a habit (bad words) and in the second I'm establishing a good habit (meds on time). So, I catch myself in the act of using one of the words on Gustav's list. Immediately I repeat the sentence, but with a more appropriate word. I just practiced and reinforced my new habit of speech. Similarly, I am going about my morning and suddenly realize it is ten a.m. and I haven't taken my morning medicines yet, so I stop and take them right then. Great. I'm getting better. At least I caught it while it is still morning and didn't go all day without taking them. Neither incident is a big deal and my behavior is improving in both cases.

Gustav comes home to his brand new bride, the woman he loves. We have a nice dinner together. Everything is lovely. Then I tell him I said a bad word and corrected it to an acceptable one and didn't take my meds until ten a.m. He says, "good, you are getting better." We go on to the next topic. No... there has to be a punishment. Seriously? Isn't that making too big a deal of something? I think so.

Finally, punishment doesn't work. Spanking does lots of delightful things for our relationship. I love the submissive feeling I get following a good spanking. Gustav enjoys spanking me. We both enjoy it and it is a secret that we share with each other. If you make that into a punishment, it is no longer fun and bonding. It is just an unpleasant chore for him and a humiliation and pain to be dreaded for me. Will it prevent me from accidentally using another bad word? Will it remind me to take my pills at eight? No.

I'm already motivated to do those things, just to please my man. Punishing me does not increase my motivation to please him. It only introduces fear into the situation. Fear is a negative emotion that produces a fight or flight response in my body. I want to avoid punishment or get angry about it. Now I have all of that nonsense to overcome.

Punishment is just a bad idea all the way around. It is a bad idea for school children. It is a bad idea for people who break laws. It is a bad idea in a marriage. It is just a bad idea. Punishment makes a big deal out of something that needn't be big at all. Punishment teaches the recipient to keep secrets and not get caught. And, punishment produces fear, a negative, distancing emotion. In fact, in my definition, fear is the opposite of love. I want more love in my relationship with Gustav, not more fear.

I want him to spank me. I want to give him that control... to decide when, where, which implement, all of it. I want him to lead me and express his intentions for my life. I am willing to make changes to please him, just because he asked me to. I just don't see the value in punishment.

There it is. Now you know.
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

Spanked to Tears

2010-07-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I got spanked to tears today. It was the first time Gus has produced tears from spanking me. He chose an implement I didn't like and my protests fell on deaf ears. He just spanked anyway. It hurt. I complained. He told me to find my sub space.

That was a good idea, of course, but it didn't work. I couldn't find subspace. It just hurt. I couldn't believe he didn't stop, or at least change implements. I think he knew I was crying, but he spanked on. I told him afterward that I didn't like him anymore, because he is too mean. He just stroked me and said, "I love you, baby."

He does. I love him, too. How did he know just what I needed? Shhh, don't tell.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Thinking About DD... Again

2010-07-22T05:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
What is domestic discipline? Is there anything about it that most of us could agree upon? Let me try this:

Domestic discipline refers to any act of one adult disciplining his/her adult partner with her/his full consent. (2) Can also refer to the relationship of consent within which such disciplining takes place. May or may not involve spanking. (3) Involves consensual power exchange.

How did I do? Can we find agreement here? Did I include something unnecessary? Did I leave out something essential?

Here is my real question: Must DD necessarily utilize "punishment"?

I think these questions could stimulate good discussion, so I'll leave this post short so you may respond.
Thanks for reading, and don't be shy about voicing your thoughts on the topic.
Maryann

We'll Talk About That Later

2010-07-19T21:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I have a "thinker" personality and have often been told that I think too much. Luckily, for me, Gustav is also a thinker, so he is more patient with me than some. Still, when I wanted to talk about spanking the other night I ran into two snags.

The first snag happened when he said that when we first met he told me he would never have a serious relationship with a woman without domestic discipline, but I wasn't interested in that.

Huh? I don't recall that at all.

Then, he mentioned a case-in-point. Once, back in the early days of our getting acquainted, we were on the computer instant messaging. He wrote, "we'll have a talk about that the next time I see you." I have no idea what the topic was, but I thought I was in trouble. The whole thing went awry and ended with me in tears and him wondering what the heck happened.

That convinced him that I couldn't handle DD, because I was too sensitive. I have to admit I am sensitive to displeasing him, but that incident will never be repeated, because now I know what he means when he says, "we'll talk about that later." He always has a twinkle in his eye when he says that, and it is a primary form of flirting for him. I've learned to really like that phrase.

The second snag came when I tried ask about what he meant by DD. He gave an example. I got confused and asked more questions, and he lost interest in the conversation. He said, "this is where I think we just get a bit too deep for me. I like our relationship just the way it is, so don't worry about it." End of conversation.

We turned on a movie and I sat at his feet with my arms wrapped around one of his legs and my head against his thigh. I got very quiet and submissive and felt safe and wonderful with my man. I guess I got a bit too quiet, because he asked two or three times if everything was okay. Each time I said, "yes, I'm fine," but he wasn't convinced. Finally, he said I didn't seem the same after our little talk about spanking. I denied it and tried to smile my way out of the situation, but of course, he was right. My mood had changed.

I felt quiet and soft and submissive, but also a tiny bit... sad.

It seemed that Gustav had decided to compromise what he always thought he wanted. He had decided to marry me even though he wouldn't have the DD relationship he had imagined. That struck me as disappointing for both of us.

I was turning these ideas in my mind and in my heart, trying to figure out how I felt and what was really going on. Why did he think I resisted DD? Am I willing to re-think it? And, most of all, I wondered what it was he really did want. I wanted the answer to my questions, but he had chosen not to get into that. I knew better than to raise the same questions again, so I just got quiet and decided to wait for an answer another time. I'm glad I did.

This morning I got one of those wonderful "aha" moments, and it all suddenly made sense. I was resisting DD because I didn't want to lose my happy, sexy, fun spankings. Also, I realized that if he was really disappointed in me or angry with me that I would feel so crushed that being spanked would be unnecessary and would probably be a really bad idea. But those thoughts demonstrate how poorly I have been listening to Gustav when we have talked about such things.

He already told me that when he is really angry or upset about something, he is not in the mood to spank. He would not spank me then, anyway. Why had I never really heard that? He doesn't think of DD as a tool to correct major problems. He just likes to spank for a reason. It is more fun and sexy for him if he is spanking me because I didn't take my meds that day, or because I paid a bill late, or something.

Those things are going to happen anyway. He doesn't get angry or upset at such things. In fact, he is very understanding about human limitations and faults. No big deal. He wouldn't spank me for forgetting my meds because he is really angry at me at all. It would just be an appropriate excuse to spank and would allow him to display his dominance, which in turn sets me up to express my submission, which is... FUN and sexy.

It is lots more fun for him to say, "we need to talk about that speeding ticket, young lady," than it is for him to say, "oh honey, don't worry about the speeding ticket. No big deal. Now, would you like a spanking for fun?" Blech. Much better to play it the dominant/submissive or DD way.

Might I get spankings I don't want if we play that way? Sure. But that is sexy, too. It is deliciously submissive. It is exactly what I want.

I don't know how many times he has told me that we are closer together on this issue than I think. Now I finally get it. I can't wait to marry this man.
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

Introduction to HOH

2010-07-14T20:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
I mentioned briefly in a previous post that Gustav is HOH. Before we met I read in his profile that he would like to have an HOH relationship someday, but was available to spank women in the meantime. Really, his profile indicated he was a pretty settled bachelor who enjoyed meeting requests for spankings. He lived too far away from me for that, but we struck up an online conversation anyway.

I was chatting with several men at the time and Gustav was spanking someone on a fairly regular basis. Neither of us brought any urgency to getting to know each other. We emailed a bit and chatted when we saw each other online, but I was sort of seeing someone and wasn't sure about meeting other men. Finally, one day after I had given him my phone number and we had talked a few times I just blurted out, "would you like to meet me tomorrow?" He paused, then said, "yes." We made our plans and met the next day.

We chose a town halfway between us for that first meeting. Neither of us had ever been there before. He arrived first and looked around the town, then drove to my side of town and waited for me at my exit so I wouldn't get lost. I pulled in behind him and he got out of his car and walked over to introduce himself. Then he led the way to a park he had found in town. Once there, he gave me a bouquet of flowers and a sweet first kiss. Classy.

We walked around the park and sat on a bench and talked. He was attractive, tall and strong, intelligent, and interesting. We talked a little about spanking and a lot about who we each were and what we wanted in life. He took me to lunch and then drove around to find a place secluded enough for more kisses... lots of them. When we parted I thought I'd be willing to see him again if he called. He was a nice guy, but I didn't expect much at that point.

Turns out his experience was different from mine. He knew he was in love right there on that first date. But, just as Mr. C had tried to teach me, he led me carefully right from that first meeting. His answers were vague when I asked what he had in mind for an HOH relationship. He said we weren't there yet and we'd figure it out together, but I shouldn't be afraid of him. I wasn't.

He made me a priority in his life right away, driving all the way to my town for our next three or four dates. We saw each other every week. He came to some of my graduation activities. I was proud to introduce him to my professors and friends.

We have continued to see each other every week, except two, from that first date. One week he couldn't get away and the other I was on a trip with my mother. Nobody in my life has ever put me first like he did. Still, when I asked about HOH stuff he told me not to worry about it.

My first spanking from him was a real eye-opener. He spanks HARD. Three swats from his hand had me gasping and trying to wriggle loose. My loud complaints were met with significant lessening of the pain he was delivering, and the spanking ended well. Ouch. I was a bit disappointed in myself because I sure never thought I was a wimpy spankee. I'd never have to beg him for more, that's for sure.

Since that first spanking he has spanked me many more times. We are finding a good rhythm with each other and all our spankings have been fun. I keep telling him that his hairbrush is too mean and we need to lose it, but he always replies with an insistence upon keeping it, because "we will need it sometimes."

"No, we won't," I insist. He doesn't budge.

He wants to get a good cane, but in the meantime he picked up a few dowel rods, just to try it. He broke the first one on the first use. Did I mention he spanks hard?

We have now been engaged for a few weeks. Our conversations are full of our love for each other and our plans, both immediate and long term. Last week, when he was here, somehow the topic turned to how things would change when we were married. I said something like, "I have a feeling my language will be getting better."

He smiled, paused a while, and replied, "You will need to write down every time you use a word you shouldn't and you will receive three strokes of the paddle for each one." I thought we were talking in a light-hearted way about possibilities for the future. No. He made it clear that the new rule is now in effect. Three strokes of the paddle from him is enough to send me scrambling for a hiding place. I was SURE my language would be getting cleaned up, right away.

It felt odd. Suddenly I had a real rule about something that matters to him and is, in fact, good for me. The consequence is definitely a deterrent. I can't believe I used to take 100 swats of the paddle, just for a warm up. Gustav spanks much harder than anything I ever had before (not that I had that many spankers before). I figured I'd have no trouble keeping that rule and avoiding that consequence. I was wrong.

First thing the next morning I let my cat out, then put the leash on his dog and headed out to take him for his walk. Gustav was sleeping elsewhere. He doesn't stay at my house when he comes to visit. Anyway, I took the dog out through the garage without incidence, but as soon as his little nose got out of the garage, he took off hard and fast... chasing my cat. I didn't have a good grip on the leash and was holding a drink in the same hand, because I was pulling my phone out of my pocket so I could call Gustav to wake him. My hand and wrist were jerked, the drink spilled, and I dropped the phone. Voila', I instantly earned six strokes.

Two more words from his list have escaped my mouth since then, so this is getting serious. Unfortunately, we didn't have privacy for me to get the first six strokes, and now it is 12. I trust my wonderful man, though, and I know it will be bearable. I also know I will be speaking as his lady should.

So, that is my introduction to HOH and your more full introduction to Gustav and our romance. I can't wait to be his bride.
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

His Gift

2010-07-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
The wedding day is approaching rapidly and I have never been so happy. The truth is I have never, ever felt like this and didn't know I could or that I wanted to.

I've removed a lot of my blog, but those who have kept up with me over the past couple of years know that I have definitely been in love. I have been loved. I have been happy. In fact, for years and years I felt very happy and content. Dating re-introduced misery into my life. I'm only half joking.

I don't want to mention the men who have gone before. My spiritual work is to let the past fall away and lose my need for it, so I don't want to dwell there for long. Just let me say that I have learned something new about myself. I had no idea that I had a huge problem with trust.

I thought my behavior indicated I trusted other people. I delegate easily and do not micromanage others when they accept a task. I have very normally assumed that other people are good and trying their best and are worthy of a word of appreciation. Really, I can't think of times that I really feared much of anything from anybody. I've been a pretty easy-going person much of my life.

But...

Now I know how little I trusted others. I have found that I have kept a lot of secrets over the years. How did I notice this? Because I don't keep those secrets from Gustav. I have told him things that I've never told another living soul, not even my dearest female friends.

Gustav tells me things about himself that would embarrass me to admit to another person, and he tells me these things with great ease. He is comfortable with himself. He is comfortable being human, with all that entails. His expectations of himself are realistic and he doesn't make excuses.

I am surprised that I never knew I could admit the things I have done that bring up feelings of guilt or shame. Obviously I am aware that confession is good for the soul and family secrets cause great harm, but I hadn't noticed that I had things I had never confessed and secrets I had kept. I honestly didn't notice until Gustav related so easily and openly with me.

One day I took the big risk and told him one of my secrets. He was happy about it! I cannot express what a gift it is to be free to be fully human and fully open to another human being. I trust Gustav with my life... all of it.

What a gift!
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

Imagine That!

2010-06-28T07:23:00.000-05:00

Gustav asked me to marry him and I said YES YES YES! I'm wearing a beautiful engagement ring and will soon marry the best guy ever. And yes, Mr. C., he is HOH.
Happy spanking, everyone.
Maryann

2010-06-25T07:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Gustav is taking me to his daughter's choice of the "most romantic restaurant in town" tonight. I'm getting all dressed up, even with high heels! I told him I'd fix my hair and put on make-up this morning before I go to meet him, and he got all excited. LOL

We are spending the afternoon shopping for new clothes for him to wear. It is going to be a special night. Oh, and he told me to bring my paddles. :)
Gotta get ready to go!
Happy spanking, everyone,
Maryann

2010-06-23T00:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I miss you all and wish like the dickens I had the energy to write a real post... so much to tell you. Gustav very well may be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've talked about him so much the past two days my throat is sore. LOL

I love him.

I respect him.

I trust him completely.

I miss him right now. We live a few hours apart and he is sick today and I can't take care of him. I'll probably go to his place in a couple of days. Of course, he doesn't want me to get sick. So sweet.

I'm just plain too exhausted to write more. I've moved into a new house and settling in is hard work.
More as soon as I'm able,
Happy spanking, my friends,
Maryann

Throw Out the Script

2010-05-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Recently someone observed that I seem to like to label things, to nail them down to specific definitions. I resisted that analysis and still do. My experience of language is nearly the complete opposite of that. Words defy definition and definitions are always only partial. I go to the trouble of explaining terms, not because I want to nail them down, but because there are thousands of ways to be misunderstood. I like clarity. Or at least I like to feel like I have been understood.

At the end of the day, however, no matter how hard we try to be clear there will always be gaps in understanding. We simply do not share a common mind or common sets of experiences.

In recent years I have learned to deconstruct the notion of the "self." It is clear to me now that there is no "me." At best I am infinitely fluctuating ideas, judgments, desires, experiences, emotions, perspectives, etc. Am I my body? It too is constantly changing. There is no essence holding it all together. I understand that. So, why do I cling to the old, old stories? The answer is, it is time to lay them down.

The script for my life, written at a young age, was quite simple. I would grow up, fall in love, get married, have children, be a fabulous wife, mother and homemaker, and be happy forever. Surprise! That isn't the life I got. Could I have made that life for myself? I'll never know. I do know I tried my best, but clinging to that ideal was not enough to make it happen.

I think it is a good script and many people have lived some version of it. Bless them. I hope they keep the candle burning. I like believing in that story. But, I don't like reaching for it over and over only to land someplace else, and then label that place "failure." My life is not a failure unless I define it by the script it did not follow. Why not define it as a creative endeavor that is always becoming something else, and is beautiful along the way?

I didn't make a series of mistakes. I did make a series of decisions. Some of those decisions brought about the outcomes I imagined and hoped for and some didn't. Some decisions were made for me. Some things just happened without anyone choosing. Who chose my so-called "birth defect"? Who chose the gender of my children?

Many, many things in life are not under our control to choose. So, why do we agonize so much over those few things that are ours to choose? We choose this instead of that and get a result of heartache. So what? Is there any guarantee that if we had chosen that instead of this we could have avoided heartache? Of course not. And, who is to say that avoiding heartache is a worthy goal in life? We learn a great deal from our difficulties and pains. I can cultivate contentment with a life that does not follow the script I adopted as a child. Life is good. My choices are okay. There is no need for regrets.

I think we parents sometimes forget that character is developed not in the avoidance of difficult circumstances, but in the muck and mire of slogging through them as best we can. Of course we do not want to cause our children undo pain and stress. We want to be the ones they can count on when times get tough, not the ones who make times tough. Of course. All well and good. But what if we took on the radical challenge of being human with our kids? What if we admitted that life is complicated and confusing, but we always have options and can make new decisions and try different things?

During the darkest days of heartbreak I have felt unloved and unlovable. It is okay to feel that way. It is okay to admit it. It is okay to have that human experience. But now I choose to throw out that script. I am only unloved and unlovable if such things are defined by that childhood script. The truth is I have been loved by lots of different people. I do not know what it is to marry young and stay married for 50, 60, or 70 years. That is not my story. But folks who have lived that life do not know what it is to be loved by a wide variety of interesting and wonderful men. My life is not worse than theirs; only different. And that is okay.
Maryann

Taking Care

2010-05-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Big day tomorrow, so this will be quick. I talked to Gus a few minutes ago and he told me to check how I feel in the morning before I leave for my big day (pre-graduation festivities at my school, 200 miles from home). He said if I'm not feeling better than I am now I should stay home and rest.

I told him that is the first time in my life anyone has ever cared for me in that way. We weren't even talking about my trip tomorrow. He was winding up the conversation and just dropped that in. "Take your night meds. Don't forget. And, if you aren't feeling better tomorrow morning you should stay home and rest. I want you to be safe and happy all week, so you can enjoy your graduation. Don't overdo it tomorrow and end up with a problem, okay, my angel?"

I tried to tease him out of it because it felt so good I wanted him to reinforce it. Instead, he said, "that wasn't an HOH thing, my dear. It is what anybody who loves you would say."

No, it isn't. Nobody has ever said anything like that in my whole life. His care for me feels so good I almost cried. He said he doesn't believe that nobody has ever expressed care for me that way. He has no idea. That was seriously new for me.

Now, if the topic was my health, then sure, somebody who loves me might say, "don't overdo it tomorrow." But that isn't what Gus said. He thought about my tomorrow and proactively asked me to check how I'm feeling and cancel my plans if I'm not feeling better than I am tonight. That is new. Completely. He still doesn't believe me. To him it was just like breathing... what anybody would do. I could really fall for this guy.
Maryann

Here's Hoping

2010-05-09T20:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I saw Gus again this week and I remembered to listen to my gut. My gut was very happy. I have more questions than answers at this point, but that is the way it always is in the early days of getting to know someone new.

We are very easy in each other's company and I find that he has ample time for me. I have three graduation activities coming up this week and he is planning to attend one and is seeing if he can make it to another. He will miss graduation, though, because he will be attending a family graduation.

Let me see, what else would you like to know...?? Oh! The spankings and the sex! Ha. The sex isn't happening yet. We just met, after all. But, I can tell you the man spanks hard! I have now been spanked by three men and he spanks way harder than the other two. He brought a hairbrush and a bath brush, and after my reaction to the hairbrush didn't even try out the the other one.

Gus is an interesting mix of completely laid back, dominant, and really generous and kind. He very naturally took an interest in my up-coming move and made timely suggestions about calls I should make and web searches I should do. Then we went to one of the truck rental places and he bought me a starter kit of two sizes of boxes, tape, markers, etc. He said he'd come back for the move and bring his strong, adult son to help as well. At one point a guy from a moving company called me in response to an inquiry I had left on the web. I was driving and handed the phone to Gus. He handled it much better than I could have, even if I had been at home in front of my notes.

Another time I was in the kitchen doing something I have done by myself for 17 years. He came in and pitched right in without asking me and without my asking him. He just took over the strirring as I reached for another ingredient and we finished the project together. I found myself imagining what it would be like to have him as my partner in life. Then I realized that in tha moment he was my partner.

Honestly, Gus funtioned more like a boyfriend of several months rather than one of only a few weeks. I was thinking about that and realized that I had said several times that I just wasn't in the mood to fall in love again. I wanted love and the relationship. I just wanted to skip the early days and jump right into the comfortable part. Gus kind of did that for me.

Yes, I realize that we still don't know each other well. There are no guarantees in life. If anybody understands that, it is me. Relationships can disappear as quickly as they appear. Such is life. But, when I am with Gus it feels comfortable, safe, exciting, real, and a lot like what I've been looking for and trying to create for a long time.

Being with Gus is easy. Really easy. I was chatting with a good friend recently and asked why relationships have to be so hard. Her response was that all relationships are work, but maybe they shouldn't be as hard as mine have been. Maybe the right one would be a bit easier. Here's hoping.
Maryann

Upping the Stakes

2010-05-04T09:42:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
I'm sure you noticed a long break between posts, and my more recent posts haven't mentioned any particular man. Well, it seems that Sir and I are losing interest in keeping it up. I haven't heard from him at all for several days. I haven't officially ended it yet, and neither has he. We had a good time when we saw each other last, but as I drove away I had a strong sense that it was the last time for us.

Several weeks ago I decided that until I actually have an exclusive agreement with one man I would continue to meet men. I figured it would take the pressure off of the relationship with Sir and it would be good for me to try "just dating" without latching too quickly onto a relationship. I've really enjoyed it, too. There was a time when I had 15 male friends in my instant messenger list, a couple more that only emailed, and four men had my phone number. I came very, very close to meeting two other guys for spanking only, but neither of those has happened yet. Now it looks like they might not.

I met a man last week, one of the four who had my number, so that means we had been getting to know each other for three weeks or so. I guess I'll call him Gus, because he reminds me of a Gus, or maybe Gustav. For me that is a sexy, swarthy name.

I like Gus. The more I get to know him the more I like him, and I have told him so. He seemed to be moving into pre-commitment language, so I sent him an email the other day and let him know up front that I was seeing other men, and had been seeing one man for awhile (Sir). I told him that I would continue to see other men until I had actually made an agreement for exclusivity with one man. The subject line I put in that email was, "putting my cards on the table."

He replied by putting his cards on the table. He said he is falling in love with me. He knows it. And he wants to see me again as soon as possible. He plans to have "an important talk" while walking on the walking path behind my apartment. He hasn't asked me for an exclusive relationship yet, but clearly he has that on his mind. We'll see how it goes.

Here's the thing, and I hope my sister subbies out there can validate my feelings...

Once he put the word "love" into our conversations the stakes went sky high for me. I haven't told him I love him yet. I don't yet feel that I do. But, now it seems like I have a real possibility for what I have spent a lifetime looking for. I really don't want to rush into it. If anything, the word love has made me more cautious. I'm afraid of letting myself fall in love, afraid I'll get married too fast and go on to regret it. He hasn't mentioned the M word, and I have made it clear that I don't want marriage right away, and maybe not at all. He has been single for a really long time like I have.

I thought we'd both be very sensible about these things. Now, here he is, using the L word and I feel like the stakes are high. If I continue to treat him as a casual date, one among many, I could miss something really wonderful. On the other hand, I don't want to commit too quickly.

I have time pressure right now, but I hope to write more soon. I can tell you that he brought me flowers to our first date ~ first time that has ever happened in my life. He treats me very well. I had a huge insecurity fit last night and he handled it with grace, even saying he understands and I don't need to apologize. I told him my friendly advisor (FA) has told me that all submissive girls need a lot of reassurance, and it is okay. Gustav said, "I think FA is right. I'll do my best." So far, he has.

Oh, one more thing. He wants an HOH relationship. Look back at my post about Doms and you will see how I described him from the start. He is the one who led me like an HOH leads. God help me.... I'm falling.
Maryann

Just a Little Thing Called...

2010-05-03T08:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
Let's talk about the L word. How long did it take you to know you were in love? How did you know? Were you ever sure you were in love at first sight, but a few weeks later you lost interest, or the whole thing was over?

Were you ever in love with somebody who was attracted to you and enjoyed your company, but that person wasn't in love with you as quickly as you were? What happened? Did the person eventually fall in love with you? Must love at first sight be mutual? Is it just chemistry?

Is it a spiritual connection, like a knowing? Or is it just physical, chemical? And what do you think of the notion of soul mates? Can you meet your soul mate and not know it, but he/she does know it?

I feel like the prince in the movie, "Ever After" asking Leonardo Da Vinci about love. Have you seen it? It is a great scene. So, dear readers, help me out. How long does it take to know you are in love?
Maryann

Words, Words, Words!

2010-05-02T17:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
I mentioned to a friend of mine that I am high maintenance and I'm trying to learn to be okay with that. He argued with me. For him that term refers to a woman who is never satisfied, and keeps upping the expectations. Also, for him it means that she is focused on money and material things, constantly asking for more, more, more. If that is what the term means, then I am not high maintenance.

I was using the term to express my desire to be with a man who thinks of me frequently and chooses to stay in touch. I want a man who needs to be needed by his woman, so I can finally be free to need him. I have never dared allow myself to need a man before, and it is a good thing, too. I'd hate to think where I'd be today if I didn't have the ability to take care of myself. I don't need a man in that sort of fundamental sense, but I'd love to know what it would feel like to be able to depend on my man to take care of me.

I've never felt worthy of that kind of attention. My friendly advisor (FA) refers to what I'm talking about as an HOH relationship. The guy takes responsibility for taking care of his girl in many different ways. An HOH would understand my insecurity and would go to the trouble of proving he is there for me. He'd want to be my first call anytime I run into any trouble ~ physical, material, or emotional. He would actively want to participate in my celebrations and to comfort me in sadness.

Actually, my friendly advisor paints a picture of an HOH relationship as one in which the guy not only wants those things, but insists on them. He gives tremendous time, energy, and thought into caring for his girl. It costs him something to lead in this way, but it is a cost he chooses to pay, with great joy. FA thinks I need that kind of attention and leadership from my man. I think he's right.
Maryann

High Maintenance

2010-05-01T13:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I am high maintenance. That phrase sounds so derogatory. Is "high maintenance" such a bad thing? Is it wrong to desire attention from a man? Is it wrong to ask for attention from a man who claims to love me?

Is it better to pretend to have it all together? Should I try to behave consistently all the time? Should I be honest with my changing moods and attitudes? The truth is I'm lonely.

Sometimes that comes out in bratty, fun behavior... an attempt to get attention in a playful sort of way. Sometimes I get really quiet and just wish I wasn't so alone. Sometimes I behave very grown up and have very normal adult interactions, but hide the weeping child inside.

I'm high maintenance. I want a man who can handle me. I really do.
Your friend,
Maryann

Subs' Turn on the Analyst's Couch

2010-04-17T16:50:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,
It only seems fair to make a list of types of subs I've noticed.

I'll start with the brat. She is cute and playful and naughty in ways that get her dominant man's attention. She might be into the "spanking scene" and go to parties to be spanked by new people and to make new friends. She wears provocative clothing and seems to get a lift from a spanking. A good spanking sweeps all her troubles away and she feels safe and happy.

Brats seem to want discipline enacted in their spankings, whether as scene play or in a real D/s relationship. They are fundamentally naughty and need to be corrected.

Next, we have good girls. These girls thrive on praise. I use the word “girls” intentionally. There is a youth and innocence to them that makes them irresistible to their spankers. It seems to me that these girls must like being spanked or they wouldn’t even be mentioned here. They squeal for a happy good girl spanking, and might want them often, but their truest motivation is to please.

Next, the slut. For her spanking and submission is all about the sex. “Spank me big boy and let’s see what you’re packing.” They are able to play with lots of dom types, or they can be loyal to their one committed relationship. Either way, she just wants to get her kink on.

Of course, since I mentioned the straight up sadist, I have to name his counterpart in the sub world, the masochist. She is related to the slut in her motivation, but in addition to a hot bottom and hot sex, she needs pain. These women are strong, willful, and crave domination, control, and pain. She’ll need some element of BDSM in her relationships. Again, she could play with multiple partners or be committed to just one. She may or may not be collared. “Slaves” are a subset of this category. On a personal note, I have found so-called slaves to be among the strongest, most self-aware women I have found in blogland.

I’m having trouble matching up sub-types to the dominant guys who I called “players” or “mind benders.” I think most subs refer to both types as “jerks.” Maybe certain women of the slut and/or masochist categories would be willing to play with these guys, at least short term. Most of us need much more than that, though, to commit!

Next, there are submissives who don’t like to be spanked, even though they often experience them as positive experiences. They submit to it as a central part of their DD relationships, and usually are willing to receive whatever spankings their partners require, be that punishment, maintenance, or just-to-show-you-who-is-boss. They would not request a spanking for fun or for their masochistic needs or to revel in the domination. For them it is really about the larger DD dynamic and keeping their relationships loving and effective.

Finally, I have noticed there are Spankos. They don’t analyze or particularly develop a role or a personality about it, other than, perhaps submissive and dominant in orientation. They just get spanked, or spank and enjoy it. I wonder if role play fits best here? Again, I haven’t run into that yet in my travels, so I don’t have a strong opinion.

Now, of course, I’m realizing that I left out the whole category of “switch.” I guess that is because I don’t have any first hand experiences with them and I can’t fathom it for myself, so maybe for my own comfort I’ll position them with Spankos and leave it at that. And, for the record, I’m sure most of my categories could be reworked to apply to same sex couples and F/m couples, or poly relationships, but again I have no first- hand knowledge, so I don’t want to tread on their roses.

I suppose I might as well admit that it will be impossible for me to categorize every spanko. There will always be variations and things I haven’t thought of or run into.

But, here is my point, and I do have one, after all of these category posts…

I see myself in nearly all of the sub roles. I have played with players and moved on, sometimes with a smile on my face, and sometimes muttering, “jerk.” I started out as a spanko, plain and simple. I had my first spanking and was hooked. I’ve explored my inner brat, inner slut, and inner masochist, at times being convinced I was primarily one or the other. Lately I’ve been primarily a good girl, and have even entered the realm of the Little Girl and found I liked it.

I’m glad for my exposure to so many types of doms, subs, and spankos. They have all enriched my life and I’d like to withdraw my previous judgments of “jerk” or “too out there for me,” and just take responsibility for my own reactions to things I found shocking or distasteful. I still have to say, though, with great compassion for the insecurity that must come with entry into domination, if you are going to be a dom, please sir, grow a pair.

Your friend,
Maryann

Daddy

2010-04-17T14:18:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,
I was reminded of another dominant type, the Daddy. I think he is a subset of HOH, though he could fit in other categories, too. Age play is a tricky dynamic for me, so I don't want to make too many assumptions here. I just notice that lots of dominant men mention "daddy" in their self-descriptions.
Maryann

One More Type

2010-04-16T20:46:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,
How could I forget the sulky type of dom? These guys are immature and they whine if you say, "no thanks." They use silly bullying techniques to get you to come back. Shameless, really. If you are going to be a dom, grow a pair, would ya?
Maryann

What Type of Dom are You?

2010-04-16T20:31:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,
I wrote a whole post and lost it. C'est la vie.

It was all about dominant men and what I have learned from them. And I've learned plenty.

I've learned that players play. A "dom" who goes right to play is a player. If you don't want a player, then don't stay to play. Simple.

Some dominant men like the challenge of getting a submissive girl to do something she doesn't want to do. If you give in, they score one point and they go for the next point. They are not interested in respecting your boundaries. Quite the opposite. Breaking your boundaries is the game. The minute you hold the line, they are gone. Poof. They sure don't want to stay around and lose a point to a submissive. Heaven forbid!

Next we have your basic mind benders. These guys dominate the conversation by asking question after question, often changing topics so you can't figure out what they are up to. They'll be charming for awhile, then mean, etc. Their game is to get you to say you want what they are doing to you. Okay, maybe it isn't a game. Maybe they want to find girls who like that sort of thing.

Then there are guys who ask you what you are looking for and won't take, "I dunno" for an answer. They press, asking different ways. They invite you to ask them questions. When you do ask, you get a professional tone to their responses. They are matter-of-fact types and they do not play. Try to get one of those guys to just play a quick scene with you for fun. It'll never happen. They are serious doms.

They tend to be interested in your strengths and weaknesses in real life. They are not interested in your sexual past or what you think you want. If they choose you, they will have all the time in the world to work out what they will do with you sexually. When these guys ask about your day they want details, not "it was fine, thanks, how was yours?"

Those are the HOH guys of the world. They are always aware of what they are doing and the words they are choosing. They are looking for a specific result, and that result is not giggling gibberish sub talk. They want you to admit a weakness that you'd like to strengthen, and then they go about designing something they think will work to help you strengthen that area. This may take a few seconds or a few days, but they are in control. They'll ask you all the questions they want in order to get a good feel for your true needs, not what you think you want. Then they lead you there.

Those guys also are very sensitive to your strong points. They may or may not ask you directly what you do well, but they will find it and praise you for it. Again, they give the praise. You can't swindle it out of them. They value the praise they give and want you to value it, too. You hear "good girl" when you have done something that pleases him. Simple. You can count on their praise as much as you can count on their correction. In my limited experience they give way more praise early and tread lightly into correction.

My research on the topic suggests that those guys are in it for the long haul. They will never lie to you, so if you don't really want to know, don't ask. And their praise keeps coming as consistently as everything else they do. They don't play with discipline and they don't play with praise. If you are being corrected it is because he has decided the issue is important enough for him to correct. Again, he will not allow you to set the agenda for change.

Then you have your Sadists, straight up. They tend not to play either. They just need to know whether or not you need pain, crave it, and crave total domination. If not, they aren't interested.

And I have discovered one more type of dominant out there. These guys feel protective of submissive women (as do HOH's and often Sadists). They find submissive women to be charming and sweet. Sometimes they are very experienced doms and sometimes they are new to it and fumble a lot, but either way they are genuine and kind. They are interested in you. They like taking care of you. They like to give the submissive whatever she needs, from light, happy "pink" spankings, to full discipline and even, sometimes, to sadistic torture. Again, that depends on the guy's experience. They draw the line at discipline when they are starting out, but over time they might put in the effort to learn about the darker stuff so they can deliver it to one who wants it or needs it.

You ask them questions like, "Are you comfortable delivering real pain?" And they answer, "you just let me know when you've had enough." That is an answer that sounds like a non-answer. It could be a mind game guy, so you have to be careful.

These guys are discreet. If you ask whether or not they have ever punished a woman, they might say, "if that is what she needed." I like straight answers. "Yes, I have punished submissive women. Would you like to hear the list of punishments I have given over the years?" YES, please! No, they don't give away anything, not because they are trying to mess with your mind, but just because they are discreet. They respect their former partners, and so give few details.

These guys are really tough to read. If you play, they play. If you sob on their shoulder they comfort you. If you have a fit about something, they calm you. They just quietly go about giving you what they think you need. If you are just looking for a quick scene, for fun, they can do that, too. They are game for 'most anything. But they will take the time to ask a few questions so they can understand what you are hoping to get in the scene.

Okay, those are the types I have identified. Do my readers have more to add to the list? Want to disagree with my assessment of a type? I'd love to hear from you.
Maryann

That is the Question

2010-04-14T14:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I have a trusted male dominant friend who refers to himself as my "friendly advisor" when I go to him to ask for his perspective and advice. I keep forgetting to ask him if he wants to be named here, so I'll call him "F.A." and he can choose to out himself or not in the comments.

Recently we had a rather in-depth exchange of emails over the course of a couple of weeks. He asked a lot of questions and took time to carefully consider his responses. The ball is back in my court now. I can respond to his latest emails or ask him more questions, or whatever. It is up to me. I haven't responded yet because I just don't know how. This post is my attempt to think about his question... yet again.

He asked me to think about what I really want. F.A. thinks I need to be "taken in hand," and nothing short of that will ever satisfy me. I just don't know.

A few weeks ago when I wrestled with this question I came to the conclusion that I didn't know how to go about knowing what I want. What I really wanted was a relationship that would work. I wanted to be loved. I wanted my love to be accepted. I wanted a parter in life that I could help and serve and lean on and trust. I didn't really care too much about the specifics of whether or not it would be a formal Dom/sub relationship or not. I just wanted a confident, dominant man who would straighten me out when I needed it and make me feel safe.

It would really be up to him how he went about doing that. If he felt a need to correct me he'd know how to do that. He would make the choice about whether he wanted to "punish" me or not. If I ended up with a man who was inclined to punish, then I'd learn how to be punished. If the man I found didn't choose to punish, then there wouldn't be punishment, but he'd still direct the relationship the way he wanted it to go.

F.A. has thought about these issues much longer than I have and he has garnered information and experience that I don't have. I like to go to him for advice because I consider him to be wise in these matters. I have trouble following his advice, though. It isn't because I disagree with it. I just don't know how.

How can I go about thinking about this? How do I know if I want a "taken in hand" relationship until I try it? What would it mean for my life? How do I go about finding the guy?

F.A. thinks I made a lot of mistakes when I met the guy I'm currently seeing... I think I'm currently seeing. I'll call him, "Sir." F.A. said I gave way too much information way too early and I should have asked more questions early on and answered fewer. He said I should let Sir lead and see where he takes me. I tried. Honestly, I tried. But I failed miserably and I keep failing, no matter my best intentions.

I'm just too insecure. I know why I'm insecure. I know where it comes from. I can trace how it has poisoned all of my relationships with men my entire life. I can even see it when it is happening, much of the time, but I'm powerless to stop. I really thought that becoming aware, forgiving my father, forgiving my past, starting fresh, being honest with myself and others, I'd heal.

It hasn't worked that way. I'm so ashamed of myself I just can't function in a relationship with a man. That shame rises up and overwhelms me. I make a huge mistake somewhere along the line, and push the guy away. Or, I just wear him out over time with little insecurities that show up every day. It wears me out. Why wouldn't it wear him out?

Yet, perfection isn't the answer. Nobody in any relationship is perfect. Somehow many of you have good, lasting relationships in spite of not being perfect. There ought to be a way for me to know myself, forgive myself, be okay with myself, be honest with myself and with the guy, let him be honest with me, and just be okay. Not perfect, not a disaster, just okay. Okay would be okay with me, you know?

I tried so hard to be honest with myself and with Sir that I erected a huge block that kept me from seeing what the truth is. I had no idea I was doing it until I broke my toe on the obstruction today.

The obstruction, I think, is unrealistic expectations. I build that obstruction a lot. Okay, this whole post is theorhetical and makes no sense without specifics. I'm too ashamed to write the specifics, though. So, I'll just stop and return to the question: What do I want?

Damned if I know. It would be great if I could just have something that works, whatever that is.
Maryann

Differently

2010-04-12T11:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,
I like writing here. I like my followers and all my readers. We have a history together.

I started this blog in 2008 as a way to participate in the on-going conversation I found in the spanking community here. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to learn about myself. I wanted to excite my man with my writing. It was fun.

Life has taken many turns since those early days. When I started, I chose the name Maryann for myself and opened an email account with that name. That persona has made friends out here in cyberland. Perhaps it would be most honest for me to keep that moniker. But I also associate that name and this site with a particular relationship, which is now gone. I'm embarking on something new.

I don't know what this blog will become, but I know what it is not. It is no longer my first foray into the world of submission and being spanked. I'm still the same woman, but I'm also not at all that woman.

I no longer want to open my blog and see the story of a relationship that is gone. I want my blog to reflect me, who I am now, and who I am becoming. I thought about deleting the blog, but I didn't want to delete my followers or lose those who have me bookmarked or linked to their blogs.

So, this is still me, whoever I end up calling myself, and this is my blog, where I am now thinking about it differently. If you have suggestions, please leave them in the comments.
Your friend without a name.

Under Construction

2010-04-12T10:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends,
This blog is being re-created. Please come back later.