Dear Friends,
I just read an interesting post here. The author, Mick, addressed the issue of his wife lying by evasion, such as, "I forgot."
That post stirred a lot of comments, many from women who wish their husbands would confront them about their lying. The consensus seems to be that a husband's confrontation about such an issue shows he cares.
Here is my conundrum: My husband often confronts me when he thinks I'm upset. It does show he cares. Definitely, and I appreciate it. But, I don't always answer him.
"What's wrong, baby?" I think for a bit and do my best to answer. "Um, I don't know. Guess I just don't feel well." And, that is the very best I can do at that moment.
I don't always know what is wrong. Sometimes, when I check in with myself, I really think I just don't feel well. I do have a chronic illness, so often that is the final truth. But, I wonder, how much of my being down is because I don't feel well, and how much of a flare up is about my being down? Am I upset about what I'm upset about, or am I upset because my body hurts and I'm running a low-grade fever? What is the honest answer?
He wants the truth, but I don't know what the truth is. It seems counter-productive to bring up whatever small issue seems to be tugging at me at the moment. That seems like complaining or nagging, two things I really do not want to do. I much prefer to process negative stuff like that in my own mind and remember how to let them go. Is that lying?
What do you think?
Maryann
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5 comments:
hmm...mouse thinks they need all our thoughts...good bad whatever...
it's just hard to get to that place. Evading is kinda like lying.
Hugs,
mouse
Me and Sugar had a moment like the one you describe a couple of weeks ago. I knew something was wrong (as in bothering her) and she was giving me the "Nothing" line. We established then that we would both be better served if she would from now on say "Nothing important right now" or some such thing. The beautiful thing about thoughts is that they are exclusively our own until we speak. Any person should be entitled to that.
As for lying by omission or forgetfulness or some other subtle method (as mentioned in Mick's post) I would say that I can read SugarAnne well enough to know most of the time when she's doing that. I've even mentioned Mick's post to her with pointed finger.
But I also feel that much of that stuff just isn't important enough to call her on every time. I'll call her on the important stuff, let her freak out and wonder whether I know about the little stuff and then appropriate the freedom (with an internal wink) that's in it for both of us.
Dear mouse,
It is so good to see you again. I wrote an open letter to you this morning that I'll post soon.
On this issue, I don't know. For me, voicing an issue often makes it bigger than it is. After all, do I really care that he didn't like the restaurant I chose to celebrate my birthday? His honesty is worth more to me than the moment of disappointment when he expresses his opinion. In such a case I think it is my job to just get over it.
On the other hand, when he asks a direct question he deserves an honest and direct answer. I just don't always know the answer. Maybe time will work this one out. We haven't even known each other a year yet.
Take care,
Maryann
Dear B'Man,
"Nothing important right now" seems like a good response. As I suggested in the comment above to mouse, part of it is probably the process of developing our own couple language. It will be worked out more and more over time.
Gus likes the HOH thing in which punishments are for real offenses. I like the lighter side of connecting over a fun, though perhaps intense and painful spanking. The result of our differing perspectives is that he lets most little things go, but he retains the right to bring up anything he wants when I am in that certain position. :)
I'm glad you are still commenting. Nice to see you here.
Maryann
I do this too. He queries and really expects a response. I have learned that he will accept it if I say "I'm going through something, I'm not sure I know how to explain it very well yet. I'll tell you when I get my thoughts straight, okay?" He likes it that I'm not just putting up walls, or thwarting his questions.
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